I Don’t Want To Run Into You

run into you
Unsplash / Rhand McCoy

I hate that you still have a hold over me, even now that you are gone. I hate getting nervous when I see someone who looks slightly like you because I’m convinced the universe is going to screw with me by placing you in front of me. I hate dressing up because there’s a small chance I am going to run into you, and if it’s going to happen, I might as well look good and feel confident.

I am terrified of running into you, because I am on the path to getting over you, but I know I would fall right back to square one if we saw each other in person. I wouldn’t be able to resist that smile. Those eyes. That voice. I would do something stupid, like add you back on social media or tell my friends that I think it might work if I gave you a second chance.

I don’t want to see you while I’m shopping or eating or taking shots on the weekend. I don’t want anything to do with you.

I freak out whenever I step into a place where you might show up. I avoid your usual hangouts whenever I can, because even though I have daydreamed about what I would say to you if given the opportunity, I know our conversation would be awkward.

I wouldn’t know what to say to you. I would end up embarrassing myself by stumbling over my words. Or it would be the one day when I’m dressed down, looking like I just rolled out of bed. I would feel like an idiot.

And what if you arrived with some other girl on your arm? What if I was forced to smile while you introduced her? What if I had to hold myself together while I was internally crumbling apart?

As much as I’d like to think I am a mature adult, the truth is that if I ran into you, my first instinct would be to run in the other direction. To pretend I never noticed you and scamper to safety.

I don’t want to deal with you. My heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s hard enough seeing your face online when temptation gets the best of me and I peek at your Instagram. It hurts enough when we aren’t even sharing the same room together.

I am having a difficult time forgetting you, even when you are out of sight. If you were right in front of me, then I don’t think I would be able to get over you. I think I would fall for you all over again. I would give you another chance to break my hurt.

I don’t want to run into you. I want to leave you in my past. I want to move into the future without you because you have been holding me back for too long. I deserve to get a breather from you. I deserve to feel my heart beat without you. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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