I hate that you still have a hold over me, even now that you are gone. I hate getting nervous when I see someone who looks slightly like you because I’m convinced the universe is going to screw with me by placing you in front of me. I hate dressing up because there’s a small chance I am going to run into you, and if it’s going to happen, I might as well look good and feel confident.
I am terrified of running into you, because I am on the path to getting over you, but I know I would fall right back to square one if we saw each other in person. I wouldn’t be able to resist that smile. Those eyes. That voice. I would do something stupid, like add you back on social media or tell my friends that I think it might work if I gave you a second chance.
I don’t want to see you while I’m shopping or eating or taking shots on the weekend. I don’t want anything to do with you.
I freak out whenever I step into a place where you might show up. I avoid your usual hangouts whenever I can, because even though I have daydreamed about what I would say to you if given the opportunity, I know our conversation would be awkward.
I wouldn’t know what to say to you. I would end up embarrassing myself by stumbling over my words. Or it would be the one day when I’m dressed down, looking like I just rolled out of bed. I would feel like an idiot.
And what if you arrived with some other girl on your arm? What if I was forced to smile while you introduced her? What if I had to hold myself together while I was internally crumbling apart?
As much as I’d like to think I am a mature adult, the truth is that if I ran into you, my first instinct would be to run in the other direction. To pretend I never noticed you and scamper to safety.
I don’t want to deal with you. My heart wouldn’t be able to handle it. It’s hard enough seeing your face online when temptation gets the best of me and I peek at your Instagram. It hurts enough when we aren’t even sharing the same room together.
I am having a difficult time forgetting you, even when you are out of sight. If you were right in front of me, then I don’t think I would be able to get over you. I think I would fall for you all over again. I would give you another chance to break my hurt.
I don’t want to run into you. I want to leave you in my past. I want to move into the future without you because you have been holding me back for too long. I deserve to get a breather from you. I deserve to feel my heart beat without you.