I Dated Other Boys, But I Wanted You Instead

want you
Unsplash / Agung Pratamah

I dated other boys. I slept in their beds. I called them my boyfriends. I didn’t feel bad about it because I told myself I was over you. I thought I had moved on because you had left me a long time ago and I felt like it would be pathetic to still be hung up on you.

It wasn’t like I was purposely leading them on. I wasn’t lying about liking them. I found them attractive. I found them funny. I liked spending my time with them.

I never actively compared them to you. I never thought about how your lips felt better against my mouth or how I preferred the sound of your laughter. A part of me didn’t realize that you were still the only one I wanted because I forced you out of my mind. You were too painful to think about.

I never repeated your name. I never replayed our memories late at night when I was all alone. I never let you slide into my subconscious.

I wasn’t secretly thinking about you when I was kissing somebody else. I wasn’t wishing you were there with me instead. I was completely fine with those other boys. Not happy. Not giddy. But good.

I tried not to wonder why they failed to make me feel the way you did, because you were gone and you weren’t coming back. I didn’t ask myself those questions because I didn’t want to hear the answers. I didn’t want to admit that I liked you more than I was capable of liking anyone new.

But after a while, I couldn’t keep pretending.

Whenever you texted me, my heart would flop around in its cage. I never felt that way with anybody else. It felt better to see your name on my screen than to be touched by anybody else.

I eventually realized those others boys meant something to me, but you meant everything to me. I could hold hands with them and take fun trips with them, but it would never give me the same satisfaction I felt when we were together.

I hurt good guys because of you. I broke hearts because of you. I hated myself because of you.

Deep down, I know it’s my own fault. I know I should take responsibility for my actions, but at the time, I didn’t realize I was hurting anyone. I was living a lie that even I believed. I was pretending to be someone else, someone who never met you, someone who wasn’t hopelessly in love with you.

I should have been honest with myself from the start. I should have admitted I was hurt and embraced the pain, because it would have stopped me from spreading heartache. It would have been better for everyone involved.

I just want you to know that I might have dated other boys, I might have kissed other boys and led them back into my bedroom, but the truth was that I only wanted you. It was always you. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

Start Now

More From Thought Catalog