I used to tell myself that we would have become an official couple if the timing was right, if circumstances were different, if our worlds weren’t as chaotic back then.
I am slowly realizing that I have been lying to myself. I was only telling myself what I wanted to hear. Losing you hurt so I had to come up with an explanation for our separation as a way to find closure. I convinced myself that we would have worked out if this happened and if that happened, but the truth is that we never would have worked out. We never would have made each other happy.
This is me realizing poor timing isn’t the reason you never became my boyfriend.
If we really wanted to date, then we would have figured out a way to make that happen. We would have fought for each other. We would have rearranged our priorities to place our love first.
We made a decision not to date. We made a decision not to take our relationship to the next level. We made a decision that it would be much easier to continue the way things were than to risk making a change. At least, one of us made that decision.
This is me realizing my feelings for you were much stronger than your feelings for me. This is me realizing you liked me a little bit, but not enough to leave your comfort zone for me. Not enough to commit yourself to me.
Timing isn’t the real reason why we never worked out. Your lack of feelings for me were the reason. If you liked me as much as I liked you, then you would have rearranged your schedule to see me. You would have found the time to text back and take me on dates and have dinner with my parents. You would have deleted the numbers of other people who were interested in you and pledged yourself to me.
This is me realizing I was completely wrong about what you wanted from me. You never would have agreed to a relationship with me because I wasn’t your idea of dating material. We had fun flirting with each other. We had a good time drinking together. We made cute memories. But you never wanted to take a step forward with me. You never imagined a future with me in it.
This is me realizing how pointless it is to think about what would have happened if the timing were different, if circumstances were better, if things were easier. This is me realizing if we weren’t able to make things work with the cards we were dealt, then we are better off without each other. We shouldn’t be in a relationship that is only created out of convenience.
This is me realizing bad timing is a bad excuse. If we wanted to make a relationship work between us, then we could have, but we didn’t want to put in the effort. We didn’t want to try badly enough.