There are days when she turns off her alarm when it buzzes instead of hitting snooze, because she knows she’s not going to get up in another ten minutes. It’s going to take her another few hours. She doesn’t even have enough strength to fool herself into believing she’s going to wake up by a decent time.
Even after her eyes are open, she knows she’s going to stay in bed and look through her phone. Scroll through Instagram, scroll through Facebook, scroll through emails, all to avoid putting on clothes and facing the day.
Of course, unless she has a reason to leave the house, she won’t even bother to change out of her pajamas. She’ll stay in her comfy clothes. She’ll have a lazy day. Most days are lazy days.
Even if she managed to get over eight hours of sleep and isn’t physically tired, she’s still mentally tired, which is why she doesn’t bother to do anything that would drain her energy like climb into the shower or brush her teeth or brush her hair.
She doesn’t go out much, because she either turns down plans or doesn’t get invited out in the first place. She spends most of her life at home, online, in books, watching movies. She feels like the YouTubers she watches know her better than her own friends.
And she does have friends, but she underestimates how much they care. She feels like they aren’t that close since they don’t see each other all the time. More than that, she feels like she can’t open up to them about her issues, even though they keep asking her how she’s been doing, even though they genuinly love her like a sister.
They don’t realize she is secretly struggling, because she lies whenever they ask an invasive question. When they ask where she’s been, she’ll say she’s been busy. When they ask what’s wrong, she’ll say she’s tired. When they ask what she did over the weekend, she’ll talk about whatever hurts the least to say.
She’ll hide all of the bad stuff. She’ll fake smiles and laughs and stories to throw people off from the truth. She would never want them to know how hard it has been to wake up each morning, let alone answer their texts and drive miles to see them.
She is secretly struggling, but no one is able to tell, because she has taught herself how to blend into society. She knows how to look ‘normal’. She knows how to joke about her pain. She knows how to behave so that people don’t worry.
She is secretly struggling, but no one is able to tell, because they don’t listen closely enough. They hear her say things like I can’t take it anymore and I don’t care anymore and they think she is overreacting. They think she is being dramatic. They don’t read too much into it.
She is secretly struggling, but no one is able to tell, because they see what they want to see — and they want to see her happy. They don’t think she has any reason to be depressed, because they see her as a happy-go-lucky, beautiful, strong, independent woman. They see her in a completely different way than she sees herself.