I used to think we matched each other perfectly. I would discover something small we had in common, like a favorite show or a song we both liked, and thought that meant we were supposed to date. I paid attention to stupid things like that because if I looked at the big picture, I would have realized we made no sense together. I would have realized you never treated me the way I deserved. You never gave me a good enough reason to stick around.
But I did stick around, because I was lonely. It was a little easier to wake up in the morning, and a little easier to fall asleep at night, knowing I had someone to think about, someone to text, someone to kiss. You became an obsession of mine, something that gave me a reason to look forward to the next day.
I couldn’t wait to hear from you, even if it was only for a few minutes before you went MIA and left me staring at my phone screen. You were the highlight of my day — not because you did anything special, not because you actually put in effort to make me happy, but because I didn’t have anything else going on in my world. You were a welcome distraction.
Back then, getting a hey text was enough to make me happy. Getting a heart emoji was enough to make me happy. Knowing you took two seconds out of your day to talk to me was enough to make me happy.
You gave me what I needed at the time. Human interaction. It was only a small amount, but that was more than enough for me. I only needed a little bit of your attention to feel better about myself.
Back then, all I wanted was love — from you, from anyone. I wasn’t comfortable spending time alone. Whenever a weekend went by without having plans, I would feel like a loser. I would get restless. Upset. Annoyed. During those moments, when I had too much time to think, I would come up with more and more reasons to hate myself.
But now, I realize that we never had a healthy relationship. I gave you everything I had and asked for little in return. I let you walk all over me, because I wanted to keep your attention. I thought talking to you a few times a week was enough. I thought that was all I needed to be happy. But it turns out I was wrong.
When I was with you, I was never really happy. I was only a little less lonely. That’s why I stuck around for so long. Because I would have rather been treated like shit by you than be on my own.
But now I am more mature. Now I only want people in my world who bring something to the table. People who inspire me. People who believe in me. People who love me back.
Now, I am okay when I’m alone. Now, I actually enjoy it. Because it’s better than wasting time with someone who doesn’t care about me. Someone who doesn’t see how much value I hold.