My anxiety makes it hard for me to be around people. I cut conversations short. I smile and nod when I have no clue what to say. I dodge anyone I recognize when I spot them in public. I don’t want to be talked to, I don’t want to be touched, I don’t want to be noticed.
I suck at flirting, because most of the time, I feel completely uncomfortable in social conversations. Soon after they start, all I want to do is escape. All I want to do is be alone again. Isolate myself. Blend into the background.
But when I met you, we clicked for some unknowable reason. I instantly felt at ease with you. I could joke around with you. I could flirt with you. I could be my crazy self around you.
I liked you because you made me feel comfortable. Because you made me feel happy. Relaxed. At peace with myself.
I liked you because it’s rare for me to stumble across someone who gets me. Someone who understands where I’m coming from. Someone who I never feel like I have to tiptoe around to avoid insulting.
I liked you because I never felt scared around you. I never second-guessed myself. I never overanalyzed. I never felt worthless when you were in the same room. You helped me love myself more, or at least accept myself more.
I liked you because, even though there were times when I was nervous around you, I never really felt anxious around you. I never felt like an outsider. I never felt as painfully awkward as I do around everybody else — and that made you special. That made you someone I wanted to keep around for a long time.
It sucks that we don’t talk anymore, because people like you don’t enter my world often.
Most of the time, I meet people and stumble through the conversation. I try my hardest to connect with them, but still end up saying the wrong thing. Either my humor doesn’t match up with theirs or they don’t understand my sarcasm or our interests are just too different. Most of the time, it’s impossible for me to withstand a five minute conversation without wanting to search for the exit door.
Of course, it’s different for you. You never had any trouble initiating conversations. You could talk to a stranger like they were already your best friend. You never struggled with social interactions. You were smooth talking. You were likable.
I guess that’s why you don’t seem to mind that I’m out of your world, that we never see each other, that we never even talk. I guess that’s why I’m the only one still thinking about us from time to time.
For you, I was just another friend. Another person who swooped in and out of your universe.
For me, you were one of the only people I felt like I had a real connection with. One of the only people I actually regret leaving behind.