I Fucking Hate My Anxiety

A girl with anxiety
Unsplash / Makhmutova Dina

I hate the way my anxiety makes me feel. Like I am awkward. Like I am an outsider. Like I don’t fit in anywhere.

I hate that I turn my phone to silent when I hear it ringing instead of picking it up. I hate when I listen to the voicemail, realize that I have to call the person back, and wish that I would have just answered it in the first place so that I didn’t have to go through the trouble of dialing back and listening to the ringing and praying that the call will end quickly.

I hate when I hear about a party or a wedding or a group get together and dread going when I should be excited. I hate how I always end up sitting in the corner of the room, petting a dog or stuffing chips into my mouth, when I should be mingling with other people. I hate that I have zero social skills, even though the thing I want most in the world is for people to like me.

I hate how I can’t send a text or an email without checking it over three times to make sure there aren’t any spelling errors. I hate how, after I press the send button, I keep refreshing the page to see if the person responded to me yet. I hate how much I worry about what they are going to think as they read my words and what they are going to type back to me.

I hate how I always hide in corners when I hear knocking at the door because I don’t even think about answering it. I hate how I hide in my bedroom whenever my family has unexpected company. I hate how I hide in bathrooms when I can’t handle social interaction anymore and need a quick escape.

I hate that I struggle to leave the house. I hate that I sit inside of my car for longer than I should, trying to psych myself up to be around people. I hate that the most normal things in the world — like buying groceries and getting a haircut — bring me stress.

I hate how the smallest change in my schedule can cause me to melt down. I hate how I can’t hang out with friends unless they make plans with me days in advance. I hate how much unpredictability unsettles me.

I hate how nervous I get eating in front of other people. How uncomfortable I am speaking in front of other people. How awkward I feel when I smile at someone or wave at someone or walk over to someone.

I hate how my anxiety will hit me out of nowhere. When I’m sitting at home doing nothing. When I shouldn’t be worried about a single thing. I hate that I am never calm. Never at peace. Never comfortable in my own skin.

I fucking hate my anxiety, because it makes every single day more stressful than it should be. TC mark

The truth is that you can be struggling and still be loved.

You don’t have to solve your whole life tonight. You just have to show up and try. Focus on the most immediate thing in front of you. You’ll figure out the rest along the way.

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