She tells herself that she has high standards, but she finds herself falling for the same kind of guys over and over again. The kind of guys who pick and choose when they want to pay attention to her. The kind of guys who act like they are interested in her one day and avoid her the next day.
She gets addicted to them because they make her feel alive. Because when she is with them, she doesn’t feel numb anymore. When they wait days to answer her texts, she is hurt. When they flirt with other girls, she is jealous. But those feelings are better than the numbness, they are better than feeling empty inside.
When she is around them, she is always feeling something strongly. Anger. Annoyance. Sadness. Disappointment. And on the good days, excitement. Enthusiasm. Hope. Lust. Love.
When she likes a boy that treats her like shit, things are never boring and always unpredictable.
She can never tell when her phone is going to light up with his name — and when it does, her stomach inflates with butterflies. She can never tell when he is going to lean in close to touch her — and when he does, her entire body feels on fire. She can never tell when he is going to surprise her by actually treating her well for a change — and when he does, she feels like she finally did something right.
She tells herself that she hates the games. That she hates deciphering mixed signals and playing hard to get. But for some reason, she keeps falling for guys who use those tactics. She keeps getting stuck with copies of the same personality.
She acts like she is perfectly happy being single, she keeps chasing after toxic boys when she would be better off alone. She would be better off staying single than putting effort into a one-sided love, reading into every word that they say, and leaving the house whenever they invite her over at the last second. She would be better off without them in her life.
There is a part of her that knows how bad they are for her. She realizes it every time she complains to her friends about them. Every time that she has to wait hours for a text back. Every time that she is on the verge of tears while thinking about how they are never going to feel the same way.
But she can’t help herself. She likes who she likes. She is unable to control her emotions. She has a thing for assholes. It has always been that way. They are her type.
She only falls for people who treat her like shit — but she is sick of the cycle. She is tired of being the one who cares more. She is done giving second chances to people who didn’t even deserve their first one.
From now on, she is going to raise her standards to a higher level. She is going to stop letting people into her life that are not supposed to be there.