She had known despair, but still, she made it to mend scar after scar. She planted her own flowers and cherished the laugh of her loved ones. Everything was going well until you came along and successfully landed on her delicate garden when she least expected it. Your sudden arrival made her shrug. How could she not? She had known enough pain to pretend not to see it coming. Perhaps she already knew it in her bones, that maybe, just maybe, you were going to screw her too.
She could have rejected you, but her brokenness had taught her to be more kind and more considerate of other people’s emptiness. And through a wishful thinking of wanting to be the cure in somebody’s void, she gave you a chance.
She began looking at you in rose colored glasses. If there was anything that impressed her, it was your deep understanding and you, too, were fascinated by her persistence. She had no idea why such a charming personality would explore every inch of her flawed surface. And you had no idea why a girl like her could walk alone yet every one of her steps reflected bravery.
You felt challenged so you teared down her walls in a minute. The walls she built using every wrecked fragment of her past. She let you know her secrets and just like that, she crumbled in your embrace like it was okay to collapse because she was tired of being strong alone.
You were too good to be true. If she was autumn leaves, you’d be the wind that made her fly before she fell and crushed onto the ground.
But it was a wrong thing to do, to fall into your arms without thinking twice about your hidden purpose. You might have said the “L” word and promised to protect her. But she wasn’t dumb. Though she accepted the challenge to be with you, her instinct had already smelled something fishy.
Indeed, time doesn’t stop for just anybody. Time doesn’t stop whether or not you are in love. Now the masks have been taken off. You’ve slowly revealed her true colors, and she has slowly revealed yours. She can feel it too, your absence that crawls under her skin as she falls deeper. And every time you flinch when she showers you with love, her fire dies a little, if not all at once, leaving a vivid trace of dark hollow in her ribcage.
You call her too fragile, too deep, too romantic, too intimidating, too sensitive, too attached. You’ve found a way to her vulnerability so you think it’s okay to break your own promises. You start using excuses in defense of your failing to protect her. You let her heart turn to dust, slowly, as the clock ticks one by one.
The sun fades from her eyes and now all that is left is a blackhole that takes your empathy away. But you forget that she, too, is tired of seeing another “pull-away” from the person she once gave her whole heart to. She’s tired of having to play the “push and pull,” the “mind-guessing” game. She’s done trying to love such a distant being who cringes with the idea of intimacy, simply because all her life has been filled with the kind of person who would pull her close one day, then push her away the other day.
She has wounds. The demons of her past relationship still haunt her every night. Even the smell of rain would sometimes arouse the death in her chest. It gives her the kind of ache that is more like an old song played in full volume. Too familiar and loud, she’d rather be stabbed by a real knife before her heart turns deaf.
But her healing process doesn’t stop here.
She has come to the realization that now is the right time to come home to the strong girl she was before she met you. Her fierce heart still refuses to give up on the possibility of love in the future. She just happens to have had enough of your silence. She’s carried enough absence in her flesh to finally admit that it’s time to appreciate her own worth by letting you go.
So, this is what she will do. She’ll let you go, no matter how hard it is for her, and no matter the odds against her stubborn heart.