I’m Done Being Sorry Because You Never Were

First of all, I really am sorry. And it may not be for what you think.

I’m sorry for walking into your life without warning you.  I’m sorry for being unclear with my words when it came to my feelings.

I apologize for my inability to be a whole person. I’m sorry for not always being attentive when you spoke. I am sorry for being better at being sad than at being happy.

There are many things I am willing to take blame for. There are many things that I mistakenly do in relationships that are second nature to me.

I, however, think that even if I would have done everything perfectly that your heart was still looking for a reason to get rid of me. It was only a matter of time, and lucky for you, I got to take the blame.

I’m sick of being sorry. I am sick of excusing your poor behavior as a side effect of our breakup.

Relationships in my life have been all about painting pictures and going through motions so I could seemingly be happy. There have only been a few times where I have felt that picture become real, and one of those times was you.

That doesn’t mean you get to tear me down when it’s convenient for you. You don’t get to have that power over my life anymore, you don’t get to hear me say “I’m sorry” anymore.

You’re angry about things you will never admit and you even have something sad in your eyes when you laugh.

I could have spent my whole life trying to erase what other people have done to you or I could have tried to make you believe that you were enough for me. I never got the chance because our breakup got out of hand and we entered a state of war with each other.

You went from being my best friend to my greatest enemy, my secrets were casualties of war and our fallout became a public event for our friends. You used my past to win battles and belittle me. Truthfully, I threw the same bombs.

There are things from our past that we can never quite shake off, we will never be completely whole and untouched, we are forever broken people. I was always going to have my demons and you were always going to have yours.

There are always going to be things that we don’t quite understand about each other. I will never understand why you chose to make me feel small after our breakup, why you chose to say those things to me.

I’m done being sorry because you never were.

I was sorry for being the cause of our failed relationship but now I’m sorry for letting your words haunt me every day.

Our relationship wasn’t always a war zone, in fact, I still think about the good times, but that is not enough to erase all the bad that happened between us. There were so many things said, from both of us, that can never be forgiven or forgotten and I refuse to dwell on it any longer.

I am officially liberating myself from you, I officially wave my white flag. I am done fighting. I have found my peace after the war and I can only hope the same for you.

In the end I thank you for the war, because the peace I found after created a new version of myself, one that is okay with living without you, one that is happy.