It’s another morning of weak coffees and furrowed brows. I sit, yet again, in front of a myriad of online job applications with my school books piled beside me. I lost my vigor after the eighth application and the second month of waiting for the phone to ring with good news. My books have begun to collect dust as I lose the urgency to learn from them.
It all seems so hopeless. My loss of enthusiasm and effort is only criticized by family and friends, they don’t seem to understand the feeling of dejection that I haven’t been able to shake off for some time now. I have goals, I have ambitions, but I lack commitment, and as soon as something asks for more than the attention and passion I’m willing to give it, I lose hope—I give up.
It’s one of my less than wonderful qualities, and I have tried to get better, but it’s one of those faults where people only seem willing to highlight and underline, yet offer no encouragement or help. I’m only told to try for another job, study harder, make this phone call, volunteer for this position, and research this subject. Don’t you think I know that? Don’t you think I’ve thought about all of that, and tried at least half of what you have suggested?
I’m not an idiot you know. But no one ever tells you to take a deep breath, and to analyze something by way of how you feel. No one takes into consideration your passion, your ideas, or your agonizing want to be better. They see what shows up on paper. I am not just a resume. I am a person, I bleed red, not black or blue ink.
Yeah, I lack commitment. I never fully learned how to play the harmonica, I gave up on learning French after a few weeks. But that doesn’t mean I don’t feel bad about doing so. It doesn’t mean that I wish I hadn’t. I have passion, I have ambitions, it’s just that the only person who cheers them on is myself, and sometimes that’s not enough. Sometimes you need another person in your corner; not telling you how to do something, but telling you to do it, to follow in whatever direction you started for.
So. Here I am, running out of patience and desire to get what I want. I feel hopeless, and I know I shouldn’t give up, but it’s so hard to listen to your head when your heart is heavy. Tonight, at dinner, my parents will ask me how my school work is going, how the job search is coming, and I can either lie and tell them that I’m giving it everything I’ve got and they’ll see through it and open their mouths to recite a speech I’ve heard one too many times. Or, I tell them the truth, and hope that instead of a speech, instead of a lecture, I’ll get the hug and reassurance I so desperately need.
It’s not easy being the person with commitment issues. It’s not easy seeing that the world is at your feet but you’re too scared or too insecure to pick it up and run.