It’s a sorrowing reality to feel rejected. I desire to be wanted, loved, appreciated, and respected. It’s part of human nature to crave these things and almost have a desperate need for them.
In the last twelve months, I have faced more heartbreak than I would care to admit. I have allowed myself to become infatuated with boys whom I thought were men, wooed with sweet nothings and unkept promises. When the fallout hits, I am left feeling as if I am too much, not enough, and unworthy of love all at the same time.
And somedays, I’m not sure I would date me either.
I am beginning to accept that being let down by another is a potential outcome if we are to step outside of ourselves. Humans are fluid, eternal beings, and we are constantly reimagining ourselves. We are not fixed nor stable, yet we deny ourselves that nature of our humanity in the name of “love.” Yet we are constantly growing, changing, becoming ourselves. Love is recognizing the truth of who we are and bravely sharing that truth with another. Love is where freedom and acceptance meet, and it’s a glorious contradiction that allows us to thrive.
There is an ebb and flow in every relationship, and it requires honesty and transparency to stay above the waves. Honesty is revealing the truth that I want others to know. But transparency, that is where others can see the truth they want to know for themselves. How often do we ask for our partner to be transparent?
If I want someone to be transparent with me, I must first be transparent with myself.
Sometimes, I forget simple truths about myself to have them later rediscovered by a partner who only wants them to change. And since I never had a firm understanding of this truth in the first place, I am easily willed into changing. I call myself strong-willed, yet I desire acceptance from others over my own personal acceptance.
I am tired of falsifying who I am for the sake of “love” and forgetting to be faithful to myself. I want to share my thoughts and ideas, the unpolished truth and reality of Christine, and have my partner smile at me and say “tell me more.” Tell me how this life has hurt you, and I will do the same.
This is a love letter to myself, because I am tired of disconnecting from myself and my truths at my attempts at union. This is the acceptance letter to myself from the University of Me, because I am so worthy of love and appreciation. Because no human has the authority to make me anymore lovable or worthy than I already am.
We are all changing and growing daily; let’s encourage more of that. I want to love and accept people where they are in this very moment, rather than forcing them to mature and fit my ideals. I want to see people as they truly are–fluid beings–and give them the freedom to share themselves with me.
Show me the scars left on your heart from your broken family or your past partner. Explain how you feel as if you are too much and not enough all at once. Tell me more, and I will do the same.