To The Girl I Loved, Played, And Lost

Our game was going well. I texted just enough to keep you interested. We went out just enough to keep it fresh. I played it perfectly. Yet now, our last night together, as I drive you home, I knew I had lost. You’ve barely said a word. You’ve looked at me once, only to make sure I knew the way. And now, as I drop you off, I lean in and apologize. For everything. For tonight. For every night before. You smile weakly and say it’s okay, that you’re not upset or anything, but I know better. How did we get here?

I knew how it worked. I knew all your tells. I knew all the little tricks to drive you crazy, crazy for me. It was a game, and I was in control. Right from the start I didn’t even so much as look at you. I talked and I mingled. With everyone, everyone but you. Not once did I give you more than a moment’s glance, or a passing remark. And it worked. You could barely keep your eyes off of me. You craved what I did not give.

I was so sure of myself. So when the time came, when the party had ended, I thought I had you where I wanted. I offered to drive you home, and you agreed. It was late, and we didn’t live too far away from one another.

And here we are now. With every minute of silence that passes, my heart sinks further. From the moment you got in my car, to now, as I make the final turn, all has been lost. You’ve practically ignored me, nodding or only muttering softly whenever I tried to speak. All the time, you stared at your phone. Texting or whatever, I didn’t know. All I knew was that to you, I didn’t even exist.

What I had done to you, you were doing to me, and I deserved it. I look back now, and I see only a fool. A fool who tried so hard to play a game he really knew nothing about to get a girl he wanted so bad and only drove her away.

Those games I played in vain hope that somehow ignoring you would make you want me more, waiting days or hours to reply your texts just to prove that you haven’t been running in my mind all day, or that I had “Other” things to do. All for what? To mess with your head so you would somehow like me more?

It could have been simple. You were into me, and to be honest, I loved you. I still do. But now, I will never have you. I will feel only pain. I will only think of what we could have been. I will see the new guy you carry on your shoulder and I will smile, even though it kills me inside. My mind will run back to the night where I threw everything away, just to play silly games. What was the point? There are no winners in this game, only those who are smart enough to walk away before they get hurt. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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