Judging Female Sexual Attractiveness Based On The Clothes They Wear

You may be saying to yourself, “Clothes? Really?” Really. I can’t really explain it, but clothes are a totally important part of the whole sex appeal game we all play. Actually – I probably could explain it, but the nature of this article suggests that I don’t dedicate long-winded, complex arguments to sociocultural analysis.

Anyway, women, the following is a guide for whether I would sleep with you, based on your clothes. Men, although I cannot presume you share my taste in women, the red flag clothes should be universal.

 
No, I wouldn’t have sex with you. Or… I wouldn’t be inclined to at first, at least. If you weren’t wearing any clothes, well, the premise of this article breaks down and then it just becomes a matter of other factors which I don’t think I should describe here for want of not appearing creepier than I already probably do. Anyways, booty shorts and stilettos are completely not my thing. Not that you’d even be interested in me, because I’m fairly certain you would not. My advice is to go find yourself an overly macho gym enthusiast or a dude with a Mitsubishi Eclipse into street racing.

photo: Miles Gehm[/div:Credit]
 
Negative. We will not be having sex. You wouldn’t want to have sex with me anyways, so you’ll probably find that agreeable, and you’re probably already clopping away in your big ass black boots, using your ’00-era Razor to call up your steampunk or nu-goth bro who paints his nails and wears a choker collar. Good luck with that whole thing.

photo: D.C. Atty

 
No way dude. We don’t relate at all. You don’t even want to know me. I bet you are literally incapable of seeing me.

 
Woah. No. I don’t think so, at least. Can’t necessarily tell what you’re going for there but I’m going to assume you are unironically trying to dress like a “hippy,” in which case it would suit us both if you took you and your guitar to a party where they were drum circle and hookah friendly. If you’re ironically trying to dress like a “hippy,” no, still – go grab an 8-ball and find Dov Charney and pitch your outfit to him while he touches himself, because that seems appropriate for you.

 
No thanks. You all probably think I’m a scrawny little “funny person” who’s kind of weird. That’s okay, because I’ve probably judged you as strange humans to which I’m pretty sure I can’t relate and with whom I find sex totally undesirable. In other words, we both know it’s not going to happen. Go ahead and pick yourself out a frat dude from the bar over there.

Um, obviously, no. We will not ever be having sex.

 
No. Go talk to the first type of girl listed here.

 
No thanks. I think you belong with the skater brah with the oversized hoodie, flat-billed cap and baggy jeans smoking dank outside with his bros.

 
No. I mean. I don’t think so. I doubt we’d be inclined to chat each other up. I guess could see this happening if I was pretty drunk.

I don’t know. I wouldn’t write you off immediately.

_____

The difficulty of the premise of this article has not escaped me. I believe the ages-old maxim “Dudes will fuck anything” is at least 80% – if not 100% – true, and so many of these could probably use certain qualifiers. Take into account level of inebriation, loneliness, and desperation for the comforting touch of a human being and this article’s premise breaks down completely! However, since we’re only operating on theory here, please accept without question the notion I’m attempting to sell you, because it basically mimics the piece to which this responds – a piece about judging male attractiveness based on the shoes (which is impossible to do if we were to apply that premise to the opposite sex, hence – clothes). Also, please excuse any inherent creepiness here, I assure you that I find the line between “funny” and “creepy” – especially using fair use images of real people (which, due to copyright concerns, is our only real option) – a difficult albeit sanctimonious threshold, and if I’ve crossed it, it was totally unintentional. Please read on.

_____

 
Without getting to know you first, you have a better chance than any of the girls above but probably less of a chance than all the girls below. I know I wouldn’t write you off immediately or anything like that. So, yeah.

 
I would have sex with you.

 
Yes, if I had to base my decision off this outfit alone, I would like to have sex with you.

photo: shlala

 
I would have sex with you.

photo: Ed Yourdon

I would have sex with you.

 
Yes, I would have sex with you.

photo: malouette

I would have sex with you.

 
You get an immediate “yes” and prompt a somewhat existential worry within me that I won’t ever get to be with a person who dresses as nice as you. Thought Catalog Logo Mark

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