Here’s Your Star Wars Terrible Sequel Generator
Star Wars and internet nerds go together like pasta and pasta sauce. (Or, better analogy: they go together like me thinking I’m going to come up with a good analogy, and then me failing to come up with a good analogy. …Yep; that’ll work.)
Anyway, as the internet has heard, they’ll be making three new Star Wars sequels now, mainly because I haven’t suffered enough in my life yet. But George Lucas is out, so who will be writing, directing, starring in, and otherwise botching these fine new sequels? Who knows? Who knows indeed.
Luckily, the Star Wars Sequel Debacle Simulatron puts the power in your hands — yes, your hands, because you probably are capable of having ideas that are as terrible as the ideas that George Lucas has — because why not?
And though I don’t usually link to things, and especially don’t link to games, I thought I’d make an exception in this case, since I am a Star Wars-obsessed person who has, for instance, written his own Star Wars prequel fan script.
So here is the link. Go and play with the Simulatron and then come back and we’ll chat.
Yeah, so what the cock was that shit, am I right? …Basically, as we see, the Simulatron lets you pick your writer, director, star, title, and plot formula, and then tells you how well your movie does. My first time out, I did randomly okay with Star Wars: The Wrath of the Lost (starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, written by Paul Thomas Anderson, and directed by David Lynch). I got a B-minus, which seems like a low grade for how awesome that combination was, but still, I didn’t get critically panned, and I made some money. However, my second attempt was less successful…
Dude? What the cock? Is this because I followed my gut and made James Franco the director of Star Wars: Follow Those Wookiees? Probably. …Fucking James Franco, man. Don’t get me started.
Anyway, as we can see, I am mildly obsessed with the Sequel Debacletron or whatever it is called. Just be glad I didn’t subject you to tales of every one of my terrible imaginary Star Wars sequels. Anyway, try it out for yourself. Only your good taste can prevent you from letting Michael Bay direct Miranda July in Stars Wars: Again With the Ewoks, and I don’t have much good taste, so I tried that, and it was bad. But try it out for yourself — and now, here’s the awful Phantom Menace trailer again, just to remind you of how badly these things can go wrong. You are welcome; you are welcome.
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It started with a right swipe, a little green heart. Tinder of course.
Though I acknowledge and appreciate the differences in human experiences, and while your heartbreak is (and always will be) uniquely and completely your own, I must urge you to consider that I have been where you are.
With his hat cocked back, body tilted away from his cane, and right forefinger pointing directly at his audience, Joseph Ducreux commands the attention of those viewing his self-portrait.
I was born in 1990; he was born in 1973. I’m 23; he just turned 40.