Thought Catalog
April 20, 2017

Reasons Why I Want To Have A Threesome (And Reasons Why You Shouldn’t Judge)

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What is the issue?
Lilburd

I’m turning 33 soon and while some of you may think I’m facing a mid life crisis, the truth is farther than that. I’m pretty content with my life. I have a career, I got a nice house, I have a car which I bought through my own earnings, I get to travel in my work and I get paid for solving people’s personal style troubles. I get to see different cities nine times a year, I was granted a pretty body which I didn’t need to exercise until recently, I don’t get fat so I can eat whatever I want. I also have the love of a man whom I admire, look up to, and now you’re gonna ask me now what more do I want from life.

Well, I could begin with finding a more practical solution to my allergy to dust, a more efficient treatment for my post-traumatic stress disorder (I was in a car crash where my best friend died and I’m still in therapy for 2 years to manage overcoming that story), more shoes made to my size (I’m 5.6 feet tall and my shoe size is 9.5), and a threesome with two men.

I met Jeremy at this poetry club at a castle in Germany during the holidays. I was invited by his ex-girlfriend, Christine, whom I suspected was his ex, but never got quite the whole picture. As I was exchanging literary nonsense and clapping my hands to some Swedish philosopher’s new age work, I noticed Jeremy on the other side of the room. He was staring at me with a warm look that I found troublesome and arousing from square one. Chinese, American raised and six feet tall, with a Jim Morrison haircut and a V neck, are you kidding me, where do they make men like that? I was swept away.

After the dinner was over, we engaged in a very pleasant conversation that lasted for a couple of hours. He was supposed to fly back to New York the next day and I was going back to Chicago next week to meet a client. When he headed back to his room, he grasped my waist, and by God, I swear I never felt more aroused in my late twenties. I found myself asking: “Are you seeing anyone?”. He chuckled, and I chuckled. I was going back to my boyfriend in California soon afterwards and he was there, making me question my five year relationship and mostly, whether it’s possible to feel such magnetic, core attraction towards someone you’ve just met.

My boyfriend and I were not subject to that love at first sight supreme. We met when I was doing my Master’s in Fashion Marketing and he was just moving to LA to make a documentary. We’re that cliché people talk about when referring to how Hollywood stars met, or a picture perfect from The Selby. We don’t have pets, we don’t want kids. We just go on with our lives and our sex life is getting better, but scarcer, since I travel a lot now and he works the weekends in the studio. I never thought you can be in love with two (or more) people at once. I hate the idea of cheating, yet we never discussed the mood crusher “open relationship”. So I have to find a way to tell him I need to experience some other things outside our life together, or better yet, to take them inside the relationship.

Jeremy and I never slept together, not that night, not in the following weeks. But we kept texting. He sent me a picture of myself that he snapped with his iPhone while I was thoughtful and visibly bored while listening to the Swedish old fart at the poetry dinner. My neck looked so good. I had a pony tail. I never wear pony tails, that day I was tired and a bit sloppy, but my hair looked fantastic like that, and he got it all in that picture. It was minutes before we made eye contact.

He texted me: “I want to kiss your cunt”.

So now I’m lying in bed, in my flat, wondering what to do about my desires. Jeremy wants to come and meet in about a month. While Adam (my boyfriend) is here, reading screenplays and round the clock on the phone with his supervisor. I didn’t talk this out with my friends, because I don’t like their opinions to influence or interfere with my life goals and choices. I like making my own decisions, but being simultaneously caught up with desires for two men is something I’ve never experienced before.

I once had a threesome with two girls and a guy back in college. We were pretty soaked up with alcohol and the feeling was tacky. I think I liked the girls more than the man, who seemed quote overwhelmed by the situation.

Adam is 41 and comes from a conservatory family and background. I’m more free than that, more volatile, but somehow, along the way, our dispositions matched and we got along more than by the casual “fine” old couples serve as an answer when faced with their own reality, say, over a dinner table with other couples. I want to go on a date with Jeremy, but I don’t want to leave Adam for Jeremy, or constrain my curiosity of meeting this new man who entices me like nothing I’ve seen before. The truth is, I’m not at all for that Tilda Swinton three way marriage kind of life. I just want my cake and to eat it too.

I believe people look conspicuously at open marriages, and open relationships. Especially when it’s two men and one woman involved. We are brought up to resent the idea of women enjoying sex with more than one guy at a time, while sexism and porn are basically still cultivating the idea that a threesome is fine while it’s with two women and a man. I disagree profoundly, not because I am a feminist, but because I see experience as something different than cheating one’s expectations.

Jeremy called me today. He misses my voice, he says. I miss the spellbound feeling he gave me as well. I told him I want to date him for as long as he’s in Cali. He’s 10 years younger than Adam, and has never been involved with someone for more than 3 months. I’m not scared of that. I don’t plan a relationship with Jeremy. I just want to feel his palms on my body and enjoy my sexuality to the fullest. And while my desires are now seemingly crucial for the benefit of my relationship, with myself, with my partner, with my own needs, I am considering to go the distance and talk to my boyfriend about it. After all, we only have one life to live. And we, people, are not penguins. TC mark

TO BE CONTINUED