First, let me get this straight. I am a real live woman. I’m wildly unathletic. I calculate how long I should wait before I text a guy, I go on diets for a day then give up because ice cream’s just too damn good, and I color-code everything. Not to play into stereotypes here, but I need you to understand—I am a real woman probably similar to many (if not most) of the women reading this.
But in my life, I have learned the hard way that women are the worst. Now, you’re probably mentally placing me in the “she has no girlfriends because she chases men and is a bad friend” category. Categorize me all you want, but wrong again, assholes. I seem to have the opposite problem.
When my best friend lost her job, I was at her house armed with ice cream and sappy movies within the hour. Not in an hour—within. I don’t even like The Notebook that much. But when my boyfriend of three years moved away from me and across the country, I didn’t get a call from my best friend. Not a single goddamn phone call. Is she, as my best friend, happy to watch me fall into a spell of lovesick depression? But guess who did have the sense come over and invite me to Five Guys (hello, love handles)? You got it—my boyfriend’s best friend. Not even my best friend. We aren’t even close.
So where did the “chicks before dicks” mindset go? Why is it that women feel it’s OK to talk about their best friends behind their backs?
How many times has a girlfriend been jealous of you for accomplishing something? How many times has she talked about you behind your back? How many times has a man done the same? Where do we think movies such as Bridesmaids come from? They are satirical yet scarily accurate representations of womanly interactions today. Maybe I’m stuck in a seventh-grade mentality, when liking your best friend’s ex-crush was taboo as fuck. But what’s wrong with that? Why can’t women support their friends anymore? We grew out of it? High school, work, sororities, even the damn PTA—the cat-fighting is endless.
Think about how many aspects of women’s lives would be made easier if we could just get along with our friends perfectly well. What happened to the concept of girl power? Speaking of girl power, what even happened to the Spice Girls, and why aren’t female bands a thing anymore? Probably because they all talked shit about each other.
On a serious note, with the widespread discrimination and persecution against so many women in this world, why is it so difficult for us to stick together? I bet even the most die-hard feminists with the hairiest armpits would admit they’ve spoken badly about a female friend, so don’t say you don’t do it, too.
I’m not going to say all women suck. I am a woman-lover. Power to the vagina! No one should get mad at me right now! And because I’m sure there are a few real, solid friendships between women out there, someone reading this must be thinking that I have pretty shitty friends. You’re right. But I’m fucking sick and tired of so many women justifying their petty shit and being bad friends.
Anyone else sick of it? Don’t you wish that people didn’t assume we’re all catty, plotting creatures? I sure as hell do, so for my sake, get your shit together, ladies. We can’t get mad at the stereotype because really, we kind of suck. Stop being insecure. Stop getting jealous. Be genuinely happy for your friends and spend quality time with them. Start a movement or something! Break out of the pattern! I don’t know if that’s reasonable to suggest, but just be different if you can bring yourself to do it.
OK then. I’m
getting out of my sweatpants putting on moderately nice clothes for the first time in three weeks to go see some movie about rabid monkeys or something. With three of my boyfriend’s friends. That is all.