At first, I wrote this as an apology letter to the people I think I had wronged. At the last minute, I decide to write this because I don’t know why I should be sorry for trying to be myself.
1. Sorry for the people who never understood me.
I’m really not that sorry. I really did it on purpose. Being a misfit is fun. You are free societal responsibilities and everyone acts especially nice in front of you because they think you’re serial killer. It’s no joke being the misunderstood one, though. You were labeled so many names so often that you were forced to swallow the norm. I feel more upset for the people I met when I was on my wannabe fitting-in phase. I am cured now. From now on, I promise you I would never stop being your weird friend that embarrasses you from time to time.
2. Sorry for the people I slapped in the face.
You must think I was rude. I know it because all of you (aka my high school classmates) said it to me but I rest my case because I slapped most you. Now, thanks to adulthood laws, I gained unnecessary wisdom. I have learned that it’s wrong to confuse physical agony and emotional torment. Someone thought me the “hurt segregation”. When you feel hurt, you should recycle it into something marketable. Thank you for that lesson, Taylor Swift.
3. Sorry for the people who asked me out and I said no.
You are really great guys and I hope every success and happiness — wait, scratch that. The truth is that I’m not really interested in romantic relationship, much more of a relationship. I had this dream that someday I’m going to be in a mental hospital, owning 20 cats and stacks of newspapers to sleep on. I really don’t want you to be an interference to this dream. Believe me, this is my ultimate happiness.
4. Sorry for the people I slandered.
I only slandered you inside my head, so technically this apology is not applicable. However, I am still sorry for concluding your superficiality based on the average number of selfies you post everyday. I am sorry for judging your intelligence based on your sexist and racist comments. That time when you posted a picture about you and your boyfriend, I am sorry for believing that it’s already disintegrating. And that time when you broke up, I am sorry for blaming it on your egotistical personality.
5. Sorry for the people I push away.
You don’t know how many years I have spent building my barricade for the dumb and senseless. It’s also a great stronghold to hide true feelings and true identity. Sometimes when you are too much of a brain, you figure out early in life that majority of people are jerks. Now that you are all grown up, you started to believe that all people are jerks. Thus, the wall of self-isolation takes effect. But seriously, I am sorry for pushing people away. I just don’t want you to blame me when my self-righteous, cynical personality breaks you like a glass. I don’t want to blame you when my life goes to hell after you came along.
6. Sorry for the people I left.
You know that people leave for a reason. I left because I have to move on to many things at that time and I don’t need more stimuli telling me that I’m going to be fine. Yes, my dad died and it’s a hard time for me. It’s harder for me to swallow your condolences. I’m just not that type of person. I also left because I am half-guilty, half-upset that you are forced to know me because of tapered proximity to each other. ‘Misery loves company’ doesn’t mean you have to accompany a miserable person. I knew I have to come back someday so leave a little space for me.
7. Sorry for my family and friends.
Sorry for making you feel that I outsmarted you all. I really don’t. You know much more about me than I know myself so I graciously award you a Nobel Prize for identifying one of the most perplexed species: me. To my brothers, don’t ever forget the times you opened the bathroom door every time I was pooping because I surely won’t (note to self: revenge). I like you most of the time and the rest, I loathe you. To my parents, I know it’s hard to raise a child with too many personal issues. But your parenting skills, combined with racism and frugality, has made me into something. For everything, I love you. And I’m awkwardly sincere of it. To my friends, I wish you didn’t know me but hey, it’s not my fault. I know I can be mean and strong sometimes but I’m grateful for the times you stuck through my vulnerable moments. Each one of you is special to me because I could never be who I am without all your bad influences on me.