Having spent the last three years of my life studying the complex art of communication, I was recently horrified to realise that I could not in fact communicate and barely even knew how to operate a pen.
During my time at university I learned how to use Twitter, got acquainted with my blog’s back end and befriended the computer nerds to avoid having to deal with technical services.
Recently, in some kind of bizarre ode to examinations of the past, I was required to write in a confined space only a pen and paper at my disposal. Dumbfounded, I cautiously picked up my ballpoint and was instantly annoyed by its presence in between my fingers. Its hexagonal shape was unpleasant and I wondered how wise my grade four teacher had been in awarding me my pen licence. I also began to note a slight issue with the way my thoughts were translating onto paper. They weren’t. Words like “extraordinary” or “their” that spell check normally nipped in the bud left me dumbfounded and sitting at my little makeshift chair desk feeling like an over privileged moron.
My predicament was laughable; here I was, claiming to be some kind of expert in communication, yet I was incapable of writing anything that could be plausibly decoded by another human being.
I had two options: to enroll in some kind of intense grammar course or to blame the supremacy of technology. Obviously, I chose the later. (Or is it latter?). I compiled a list of reasons that the pen is definitely not mightier than my super thin lightweight aluminium wireless keyboard.
1. Writing is painful.
The only person that can pull off a writers bump and still maintain a bump in his trousers is D.H Lawrence, who, history tells us, has had his fair share of skirt despite a huge callous on his right middle finger. Nowadays, the only physical evidence of a career with words should be “typist fatigue,” which can be discerned by an inability to hold one’s head in an upright position or repetitive typing motions with ones hands even when situated away from their computer. (This is more of a psychological concern than a physical one.) Emaciation and social alienation are also key things to look out for.
2. Typing is prettier.
No matter how neat your script is at the top of the page, it always looks like chicken scratch by the time your getting to your most important point. When you type things, they are aligned, paragraphed and appropriate for presentation to third parties. I’m sure you’re thinking, “But what about a lovely hand written note?” Sure, I get that, but wouldn’t you rather a beautifully laid-out e-card with a custom font that you can actually read and share with friends?
3. Efficiency is key.
Writing on a laptop, tablet or any device that can’t be lost by an unexpected gust of wind is not only faster, but increasingly economical in a number of wonderful ways. Take emailing for instance. Now all you need to do in order to abuse the d-bags at your respective phone company is send them an ALL CAPS email, and voila, one month of free usage could soon be yours. And bank statements. Who needs them? Luddites beware: We’re coming for you.
4. There’s less to learn.
Mastering the ins-and-outs of punctuation, spelling and grammar is quickly becoming a massively pointless undertaking. Ironically, the closest one is likely to come to actually spelling these days is correcting auto-correct and having to perform the onerous task of manually stopping your device from saying, “That’s so ducking unfair!”