This Is Why I’m Guarded

Michael Hull
Michael Hull

I was once that person who constantly needed some protecting from the world beyond me, I was that person who always needed to depend my own self and happiness to other people, I was also that person who was too afraid of being alone and I always needed someone to look out for me. I know I’ve been so emotionally weak all throughout my life that I just got tired of it.

I’ve had my heart shredded and torn into pieces; I almost lost myself while slowly picking up the tiny bits and not even knowing how to make it whole again. Now that I’m quite certain that it’s finally intact and healed, I just can’t risk it being shattered again, I know I just can’t go back there!

I’ve worked so damn hard to build up these thick walls around me to protect my fragile heart. I’ve learned that being emotional means being weak, once you let people in, once you get attached, you give that person the power to hurt you, even if it’s not his/her intention.

What I’ve learned is that, people do come and go, even years of cultivated friendship doesn’t guarantee you permanence, no matter how close you both are or how well you know a certain person yet sometimes Life has its own twisted way of letting you guys drift apart.

I know for a fact that loving doesn’t mean that it always has to be a bed of roses, of course there will always be good times and bad times, loving means that you don’t really care if your heart gets ripped out of you because it doesn’t really matter, you are willing to take the risk, you are willing to push through that relationship, work things out even if you end up getting hurt.

Loving also means that you wholeheartedly accept that person no matter how fucked up he/she is or was. Love can make you feel like you can move mountains, I know how being loved and in love can be the best feeling in the world but at the same time it can also be the most excruciating, earth shattering, sickening feeling. Like all the air has been knocked out of you in just one snap and you can’t seem to know how to breathe again, it’s like you’re witnessing your own slow painful death while you’re still living.

But this is not me being broken; this is not me having a stone cold heart, this is not me who got tired of always loving the wrong person.
This is me being wiser, this is me knowing what I do and do not deserve. This is me who has learned a lot from the past.

I know in time I’ll muster the courage to open up my heart again, but for now, I’m content with what I’m and what I have, I’m happy and at peace. I know, somehow, somewhere in God’s perfect time love will come and find me again, but for now there’s no need to rush. I know someone out there will eventually be able to break down these walls and I’ll finally be able to set my precious heart free again. TC mark

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