I’m dating two guys with practically, but not quite exactly, the same name. You would think this makes things easier for me. Less chance of slipping up and getting caught saying the wrong one. Obviously it’s not as ideal as dating two guys with exactly the same name, but it’s certainly a step in a good direction, right?
I’m going to maintain that it is actually, in fact, worse for the names to be practically – but not quite exactly, as you recall – the same. I’ll tell you the names so that I can more adequately bring you to where I’m standing on this matter: Alex and Alec. You’re saying Zelda (that’s my name) – that’s so easy to not get wrong. How are you messing that up?
Let me explain: without fail, I say the first syllable, and I promptly have a heart attack. Al… Which name do I need to finish? Which name was I planning to finish? Which name did my brain intend to complete a second ago? Was it going to be the wrong one?! If I said the wrong one, do we think the names are close enough where I could play it off like he’s crazy and I actually said the right one?
Maybe I was going to say the right name 100% of the time, but that first syllable freezes me. I second-guess the next syllable, and now I’m awkwardly pausing in the middle of his name.
You say It’s still not that hard. You’re already saying the first syllable – just call them both “Al.” And that is a totally valid suggestion, Reader. It has certainly crossed my mind. You and me, we’re both pretty smart. We’re problem-solvers. We want to figure shit out, stand up on our own two feet and attack these issues we face on a day-to-day basis. But there’s something about that nickname idea that doesn’t sit well with me. Nicknames seem, to some degree, like a sacred entity. If I call them both “Al,” then why don’t I just call them both “Baby” or “Honey” or “Hambone”? Because that’s not personalized; that’s not special in any way, and that’s not what nicknames are about.
Plus, if I get in the habit of calling them both “Al,” then my friends will get confused in trying to determine who I’m talking about when I tell them stories of my weekends. And they already get confused enough, what with the names being so similar, so I wouldn’t want to cause even more problems.
Now I know what you’re saying next. You’re saying Well, fuck. If you give a shit about sanctity and making someone feel special, why are you dating two guys at once? That’s a completely logical next thought, Reader, and I’m glad you brought it up. I produce this question myself every once in a while, and sure, it’s important to consider.
The answer to this question is twofold.
One: Because it’s been done to me, and I wanted a turn.
And two: Because I fucking feel like it, Reader.
Because I feel like it.