1. She’ll be the most powerful person wearing a dress in Washington since J. Edgar Hoover.
2. After twenty-eight years, America will finally be as progressive as Pakistan – a Muslim country that had a female prime minister in the Eighties — when Reagan was president! Way to go, America!
3. For a hell of a switch, the Commander-in-Chief of the American military machine will be a grandmother. How wild is that? We’ll have a president who can calm a baby and drop a cruise missile on your ass.
4. Film historians say Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only backwards and in heels. So basically, Hillary Clinton is the Ginger Rogers of politics (making Bill Clinton the Arkansas version of Fred Astaire).
5. Amy Poehler will return to late-night to do guest-spots on SNL. Life is always better with more Amy Poehler in our lives. She breaks the rule that “less is more.” When it comes to Amy Poehler, less sucks!
6. Sometime, just after Hillary’s election, Rush Limbaugh will on the radio, doing his show, fulminating and sputtering as he likes to do, and he’ll grow so furious he’ll actually implode like a super dense star and then with one giant wet sucking sound Rush Limbaugh will disappear from the Earth for good. (So, we have that to look forward to.)
7. For every woman who has a deadbeat husband who seems to have a special power for embarrassing her in public, Hillary Clinton is a role model. It’s like, “Welp, if she can put up with Bill all those years and still win the White House, I guess I can take Steve to my office party.”
8. Kinda like it’s a Seventies blaxploitation movie, I plan to refer to Hillary’s presidency as “Boss Bitch: The Return of the Pants-suit”
9. In a nod of thanks to her loyal and dynamic “basic bitch” voting bloc, the young urban women who helped push her over the top in key battleground states, Hillary will set price controls on kale to make sure it’s readily available to her supporters. As we all know, a basic bitch needs her kale like Popeye needs his spinach.
10. After all these years, the United Kingdom will finally stop holding Margaret Thatcher over our heads. There’s nothing worse than a smug Brit with a self-satisfied grin. If you don’t believe me, I’ve got two words for you: Simon Cowell.
11. Going home for the holidays will suddenly become way more interesting with a new President Clinton in the White House:
“Honey, call 911. Uncle Billy just stabbed your father with a carving fork because he said he voted for Hillary. He’s bleeding all over the turkey…”
12. If Bravo has its head in the game, the cable network will make a new reality show called: “The Real Househusband of 1600 Penn.” It’ll be all about Bill Clinton, professional party-planner. I’d watch that shit out of that show. And I think we all know Hillary would prefer it if there were always a few cameras on Bill.
13. As the first-ever, First Husband, former president Bill Clinton, now a vegan spokesmodel for his global charity, will realistically spend his time flying around the world trying to build awareness and consensus about social issues of the day. Basically, Bubba will spend at least four years doing a bad impression of Angelina Jolie.
14. In a desperate attempt to grab headlines during election season and get America talking about her once again, Ann Coulter will warn the country that under Hillary state-sponsored abortions will be available in public restrooms. (Oh, Ann … you so nasty!)
15. Remember how Russian President Vladimir Putin is afraid of women? No, you don’t? Well, Pussy Riot kinda proved that to the world. Just imagine how scared shitless ol’ Vlad the Shirtless will be of a powerful woman with a nuclear arsenal. (I will take bets that he hunts and finds Bigfoot just to prove he’s still more macho.)
16. This one’s a three-parter:
A) Women earned the right to vote in 1920. In less than a hundred years time, we’ll have elected the first female president.
B) Until 1974, no American woman could legally have her own credit card without a man co-signing for her. (Yes, it’s true. Look it up.) A mere forty-two years later and a woman will sign the budget for the nation. (That’s progress where it matters — the bank account.)
C) Since women outlive men and more elderly folks vote than young people; do the math, if for some reason women regularly began to vote for women candidates, this could be the start of a powerful trend.
Like, if you thought having a black man for president was bullshit, I have some bad news for you: if Hillary does a damn good job, you may never see another man lead America for the rest of your life. (But hey, kale will be cheap.)
17. Normally, we only get to see a woman act ruthless and cutthroat on television. When Hillary’s in charge, her presidency will be like watching Tony Soprano rock a pair of killer pumps and a black pants-suit. Our news-cycle will feel like HBO and Scandal had a baby.
18. On election night, all across the country, BabyBoomer women will celebrate Hillary’s win. They’ll be bragging on their girl, drunk on champagne, basically, moms across America will be doing their best impression of Kanye West after he snatched the mic from Taylor Swift at the VMAs. And that, my friends, will be a beautiful moment for the country.
(“…I’mma let you finish, but Hillary Clinton made the greatest presidency in the history of the world. Tonight. Greatest of all time! You crazy for this one, Hillary!”)