It’s come to this. Straight men must now compete with pizza for a straight woman’s attention on a Saturday night. For many young urban women it’s pretty much a dead heat. Men and pizza are running neck-and-neck for their affections, both competing for some face-time.
This very easily could’ve been 17 Reasons Why Pizza Is Better Than Men. That would’ve been funny. But you know what? Men have been the butt of one too many would-you-rather-have-a-pizza-or-a-man jokes. I couldn’t do that to my brothers. Instead of throwing more punch lines aimed at (straight) men, I wanna step in the ring and go toe-to-toe with the King of Delivery. Just like how JT brought the sexy back, I wanna remind everyone that men bring something to the table that pizza doesn’t.
Like, when a woman says a pizza was very filling, that’s one thing. But when a woman says a man was very filling, well, that’s way different. What? It needed to be said. Am I lying? It’s true. Men offer some things pizza can’t. Here are 17 of ‘em.
1. Men rarely burn the roof of your mouth. Because when are you ever in a hurry to shove a hot, greasy, limp piece of man in your mouth?
2. You think your family talks about you now … try bringing a pizza as your date to your little sister’s wedding.
3. If you get naked and roll around with a man you might have a good time. This rarely happens with a pizza.
4. Seriously, have you ever tried to spoon a pizza? You just wake up with a greasy face.
5. No one thinks it’s sad or unhealthy if you tell them you plan to stay at home and enjoy a man all by yourself.
6. There is no doubt about it. Jason Derulo is not a pizza.
7. Sure, men don’t always answer their phones. But good luck getting a pizza to come over and kill that spider.
8. If you suffer from lactose intolerance, there’s good news: men don’t make you fart.
9. After a long night of drinking, if you wake-up on the roof of your apartment building, totally naked, and your head is lying on the chest of an equally naked man, you two have a funny story to tell. But if you wake-up on your roof, totally naked, with your head cushioned against a half-eaten pizza … you probably don’t want to tell anyone that story. (That’s just between you and the pizza.)
10. No matter how big he is, your dog won’t eat your man if you leave them alone together in the living room.
11. You can order a pie online and it’ll arrive at your house about thirty minutes later. If you call a horny man he’ll show up at your place as fast as he can get there.
12. It’s not nearly as much fun to go jogging with a pizza.
13. They say that when it comes to pizza — it’s a moment on the lips and a lifetime on the hips. With a man it’s a moment on the lips and maybe a good seven minutes on your hips.
14. No lie, every single pizza is unemployed.
15. Let’s say you’re on the phone with your mother and she finds out you have a date with a man, you can probably get her off the phone by saying you need to get ready. But if your mother calls and finds out you have a date with a pizza, that conversation just got a whole lot longer.
16. When a man wakes you up in the morning with kisses that lead to morning sex, that’s usually a great way to start your day. If a pizza wakes you up for sex … hey, maybe lay off the drugs for awhile.
17. In Moonstruck when Nicolas Cage sweeps Cher off her feet, do you think at any point she thought to herself: Damn, I was really hoping for some pizza.
And with that, I rest my case. I believe … it’s your move, pizza.