I guess what matters most is how much I will miss us. I hate how this is the end of us.
I never cared that people called you ugly. If I were being honest, the first time I saw you, I also thought you were kinda funny-looking. We met when we were both so much younger. I guess if I’m telling the full truth, it feels like I’ve always known you. Like we’ve always been a part of each other’s lives.
And you know what? Even though you’re kinda funny-looking, over time, I began to see why you are attractive. When others made fun of you – and said that you looked like “what people saw when they had a bad acid trip,” I stood up for you, and I said you aren’t ugly, you’re unique. Well, what I really meant was, you’re uniquely beautiful.
You have a funky beauty no one else sees. It’s their loss. I felt, it also meant, you and I were uniquely bonded. We’re both outcasts. You looked like one. And I felt like one.
Of course, I should mention my sister. The only reason we even had our time together was because she didn’t go for you. If she liked you, I know you would’ve spent all your time with her. It happens often enough. That’s okay. I’m not complaining. Some folks need more attention. But, thank God, you two didn’t hit it off. That meant we could spend all those hours together.
I was lucky, like most everyone else, she didn’t see past your weird looks. We all overlook beauty like yours in search of shiny, rare, exotic, wondrous things. And we never take the time to see the beauty that’s right beneath our ass.
It hurt when she said you were ugly and that only an idiot like me would love you. And that’s what makes this so damn hard. I loved being the idiot that loved you.
But I have to quit you. I have to quit us. This. I can’t do it anymore. I can’t sit here and love you anymore. Our time is done. I know that sounds blunt.
Just as much as I want to let you grab my ass and tell me everything is still the same between us, as much as I want you to hold me and make me feel warm, as much I can’t ignore how long we’ve been together; let’s face it, you’re losing your sexy shape. Fuck it. I’ll say it. You lost it long ago. I don’t care how much you sag. But it’s hard to ignore.
The implants? Sure, they added some lift. They gave you back some years, but you and I both know it wasn’t the same as when you were young. You’ve changed. And so have I.
I guess, I was loving you out of habit. I loved you because of memory. And I’m ashamed to admit, I loved you out of convenience. You’re always right there. Why did you have to always be so damn supportive? How can I ever quit you? How do I walk away from us?
The other day, as I thought about my new move, making so many changes in my life all at once, it made me ask questions I’d never asked before.
We’ve been together for so long, that out of habit, I imagined our new place and us in it. Together. I pictured the naps we’d take. I daydreamed about having coffee together on Sunday mornings and how I’d read my favorite sections from the NYT Book Review out loud to you; and you wouldn’t say anything because you wouldn’t have to. When I toured it the first time, I thought the light in the new place was perfect for our long afternoons. I could see you there in the sunlight. I pictured us together, sharing that last hit of golden goodness from the setting sun.
Then people asked, as they always do, whenever the subject of you comes up.
“Don’t you think it’s time you move on and find some…”
They stopped mid-question because they saw the look in my eyes. They saw the subject was off-limits. But I knew what they were really asking.
Haven’t we finally outgrown each other? Isn’t it time for me to move on?
This time – when they called you ugly and weird-looking – I didn’t defend you. When they said you were too old for me and that I could do much better, I just listened.
For the first time since I was little (except for when I went off to college but that didn’t count since we got back together while I was still at school) I actually imagined a life without you.
I pictured a life without the sound of laughter after I spilled ice cream on you (for the millionth time) as we sat together and watched a movie. No more listening to a new band together for the first time and feeling like the whole world just became more interesting. No more moments of me feeling hurt by this impossible world and you holding me and making me feel like there was nowhere else on Earth I’d rather be.
I imagined no more us.
I won’t lie – I don’t want to do this. It’s breaking my heart to say goodbye to you.But we have to do a lot of things we don’t want to do. And this is just one of them.
It’s time for us to say goodbye.
I want you to know, wherever you go, I will always love you, and how well you supported my dumb ass.
If I were smart, I’d see this as another example of “this too shall pass.” And that’s true. Good or bad – this too shall pass. But just like how you were always there to support my tired body and happily, lovingly, cradle my ass, well, now, I’ll always carry you around with me. I hate to let go of you. I don’t want to give you up. But life is learning to deal with loss. So, here goes… goodbye.