Listening to young straight men give me advice about where to find intelligent single women in a big city has taught me one thing — they have no fucking idea where to look. It almost, almost makes me worry about the future.
Being one of them, a single man of drinking age, this same question remains a major preoccupying thought in my mind most of the time:
Where should I go tonight that attractive women might be?
I try not to think about if too often lest it become an obsession. But whenever I hear other men speak up about finding women, I listen. One day, I spoke with a dude who describes himself as a sex addict. He described looking for women in a whole different way. So I asked him where he goes to meet cool single women.
He told me he goes online.
He mentioned sites like Adultfriendfinder.com. According to him, going online is like sticking his pleasure-stick in a digital glory hole. He only needs an hour, his smartphone, a reliable internet connection, and he’ll find sex. He said he wasn’t sure if the woman would be single.
Curiosity piqued, I asked to interview the sex addict. He graciously agreed. He was as candid as a deathbed confession. (to protect his identity, we’ll call him… the letter H)
Zaron: What sites do you use?
H: …Um, Fling.com, AirG.com, Plentyoffish.com, Adultfriendfinder.com
Z: How do they work?
H: They suck you in by – okay, like you’re on a different site, and then they throw one of those pop-up ads at you. It says you can join for free or whatever. Stupid me, I think cool and I join for free, y’know. And then, next thing you know, people started hitting me up. But in order to see them, you had to pay. That’s 39.99. After I paid that, I created a profile with a name and a picture – I don’t use my real name. Once the profile is set, I start looking for women. I start hitting them up. Like I’ll leave a message- Hey, you look cute – or whatever. You wanna chat? Or if I think they look raunchy like party girls then I’ll just straight up hit ‘em up, like- You wanna party? I got party favors, y’know.
Z: When you say party favors, do most women know what you mean?
H: Some don’t understand the term “party favors.“ They think I’ll pay ‘em. And some know I mean drugs… and alcohol or whatever.
Z: Are women more straightforward than you would’ve imagined?
H: Well, nothing surprises me really, because women are just as scandalous as men. They’re just more discreet, that’s all.
Z: How often do you hook-up the same day you first contact someone?
H: Sometimes, it’ll be that day. Or maybe a week later. Or like, during that week. But mostly right away. They’ll give me their phone number. And we’ll talk for a couple minutes and we’ll take it from there.
Z: What do they ask you during these phone calls?
H: So where do you live? Send me a picture of your shit. You know, stuff like that.
Z: And so, you send her a picture of your shit?
H: Yeah, I’ll send her one.
Z: Do you keep pictures of your shit ready to send, or do you like to take a fresh dick-pic?
H: No, I delete them. Because sometimes when you get pulled over by the cops, they’ll look through your phone.
Z: So you send a new dick-pic every time? What are the secrets to a good dick pic?
H: Close-up. Get a good angle. From sideways. Make sure it’s hard, y’know. [laughs] Shit like that.
Z: Can you walk me through how it works, how you meet a woman for sex?
H: Like there was the one time with this chick in Passages. She was in a rehab. And I guess, I made her relapse.
Z: But you didn’t know she was in rehab?
H: Here, I have it. (pulls out his cellphone) I’ll tell you exactly. It keeps everything.
Z: The site keeps a record of all your contact?
H: This is her, right here. That’s her profile page. Oh yeah, she used like some kind of code. (selects the stream of messages). So the first thing I sent was – You wanna party? I got party favors. She says – I like party favors. I said – Okay then. Give me a call so we can talk about it. Yes? She said – I would like to go on a ski vacation. And so I said – Get high with me and you can be wherever you want. She said – I really prefer the snow. I guess that was her code word for coke. Y’know, for blow. I said – Powder snow. I can get you that. So then we didn’t talk until the next day. She said – Hi, Raoul. I’d like to invite you for lunch. And my roommate would like to meet a really good-looking friend. She’s gorgeous. You can also choose dinner if you like, my treat. So she invited me to that place Geoff’s in Malibu, or whatever.
Z: Geoffrey’s On the Bay? Nice place.
H: Yeah. So I said – Sounds nice. How do I get info about where and when? I gave her my number. We just kept talking back and forth. She gave me her email. And then she called me one night and wanted me to get some blow and come get them. I couldn’t get it at that time, she said – Okay, nevermind. But then she called me a day later.
Z: This place, Passages, it’s that clinic in Malibu where celebrities go for rehab, right?
H: Yeah. So the next day she calls me and says – How about that lunch? You wanna come on down? I wanna invite you to lunch. And I said – Okay, cool. And she said – Bring me a bottle of vodka. I said – All right. So I ended up going to Geoffrey’s. I meet her at the restaurant. She’s like – “Hey, what’s up? Nice to meet you, finally.” We’re talking. She has some wine. The next thing you know there’s somebody there. He comes over to talk to her, and he’s saying – “You know we’re gonna have to terminate you. We have to terminate you. You’re here drinking.” There’s two of them and they say – “We’re gonna have to bring you your stuff.” They have this whole big conversation. Next thing you know, I find out that I was her ride for her escape plan. She wanted to leave the program because she wanted to go get high and fuck. So she pays for lunch. We go out. We run some errands. I help her run her errands. Then I get a room. Next thing you know, I’m fucking her.
Z: From the point when the folks from Passages came to collect her, until the point you started fucking – How long was that?
H: It was two hours from meeting her. We started talking and she said – “Oewh! I like your attitude! Oh man, I like the way you think. You’re a real good guy.” And she was like – “Do you have a condom?” I was like – “Yeah, because, we’re gonna fuck.” I guess she was buzzing. We went to the hotel and we started fucking. And she was a good fuck, too. She was really good. A whole bunch of stuff happened to her when I left. But that’s not my fault. She’s actually texting me again now. And she still wants to get blow. And I don’t know, maybe I’ll get it for her, maybe not. I’m trying to stay clean now.
Z: Do you consider yourself a romantic?
H: …In some areas. Yes. I like to please women. I do. I’m very sexually active. I like to please woman, y’know. But when I start doing drugs and shit, I get on one. And then I wanna get on these websites. That’s like my thing.
Z: Would you consider yourself a sex addict?
H: At some times… yes. I’ll say, usually. Well, only when there are drugs involved. Yeah, I’m a sex addict.
Z: What are your drugs of choice?
H: Methamphetamine. Very bad.
Z: So if you do some crystal, then you’re gonna definitely be looking to fuck?
H: Yeah, I’m fucking. But also… I mean, it just kills time, you know. Like I get addicted to it and I go through these cycles.
Z: Do you cycle quickly? Is it a matter of weeks, months-
H: If I stay clean, it all depends. When I stay clean, I don’t pay attention to it, too much. But if I’m using, I’m going through a long cycle. Like right now, it’s been a month since the last time I’ve done this. So right now, I’m pretty much done.
Z: You’re done doing-
H: …The websites. For now. Because I met someone I really like… She’s from the program. She’s in N.A. And y’know, I wanna see where that goes. She’s really, really pretty so…
Z: And you’re honest with her about your past?
H: Yeah, I’m honest. I’m honest to a certain degree. Like she doesn’t know about this. And I don’t think I need to tell her if I cut it all out, y’know. Because she was doing her thing, I was doing my thing… And now, that’s all in the past.
Z: Do you get tested regularly?
H: Oh, I do that like every three months. And I use protection.
Z: Do women care if use condoms? Do they care if you’ve been tested recently?
H: Majority of them use condoms. Some of them ask. “Do you wanna use a condom?” And I figure if they ask, then I think I should put one on. Y’know what I mean? Because, nobody gives you a choice… And if they do, something is wrong. You should always use protection at all times. Maybe… not for blowjobs. But I do get tested for HIV and all those other STDs because in case I do want to be with somebody or I end up being with somebody, I don’t wanna give them anything. Y’know what I mean?
Z: Is there anything similar about the women who respond to you?
H: I get all different types of girls. It’s like — I saw this on this TV show – King of the Hill. And Boomhauer is showing the little kid how to pick up chicks. He takes him to a woman’s clothing store, or something like that. And I don’t know what he whispered to the girls but some of them were slapping him, most of them were slapping him, but one of them gives him her number. …I don’t care how many girls slap me. As long as I get that one number. Then it’s a success. That’s the same thing on these websites. If ten women tell you to go fuck yourself and one says- Well, let’s meet up. Then you’ve made it.
Z: And can you tell from pictures which ones are more likely to sleep with you?
H: We’ll go to one person. Here, we’ll pick a slutty one. See, how the women will show pictures of their tits and their ass? And they just want a relationship with a good-looking guy? Come on. (pulls up a woman’s profile on his phone) Like this one… Twenty-four, woman seeking man. Montebello. She lives in Montebello. And she’s online now.
Z: She has pictures. And she’s bent over – Is that a dining room table?
H: She’s showing you her crack. Y’know what I mean? So what am I supposed to think? You think she’s looking for a relationship? [laughs]
Z: Does this change your view of other women, the ones who are not on these websites?
H: Well, for me, I don’t judge a woman because she’s sexually active. I don’t consider her a ho, or a slut, just because she’s trying to get her needs met. She’s just like me. She’s just a regular person like I am. So, I don’t judge them. I just try to have a good time. And If I can have a good time with her and we can continue- fine. If it’s just a one-night thing – fine. But I don’t think she’s a slut or she’s dirty — or anything like that because she’s doing what she’s doing to get hers, y’know. I respect a woman who does this for free rather than go charge a man a hundred to five hundred dollars. I respect this one more than that one, because she’s doing what she wants to do, y’know.
Z: How do these relationships end once you’ve had your fun?
H: Usually, I don’t call them anymore. If they call me, I just don’t pick it up.
Z: You never tell them anything?
H: Nah. No, I don’t. Unless, I get on one, then I’ll call back again and see if she’ll still let me in. If not, then I’ll just move on.
Z: What fantasies do women want you to satisfy?
H: The majority… like threesomes. Two guys and her.
Z: Do you find women looking for bondage, S&M, and things from the kinkier side?
H: I don’t really fuck around with that. [laughs] I’m not down for that. Maybe if the moment was there and she said, “Fucking choke me,” or something like that then I would, but I’ve never really found a woman like that.
Z: Have you ever had a woman freak out, before, during or after you had sex?
Z: Do you think any of these women you meet are married or in relationships?
H: I don’t think so.
Z: -You think they’re all single?
H: …For the most part.
Z: -What’s the age range of women you’ve met for sex?
H: I’ve had women from nineteen all the way up to about forty-four. And I’m forty-one. With the nineteen year-olds, they’re good. It’s just because they’re young. Y’know what I mean? They’re very active.
Z: How much sexual activity can you manage in a day?
H: What’s funny is – I can’t fuck the same girl three times. But I can fuck three different girls in the same day. Soon as I fuck one girl, I’m usually just kinda done, y’know. And I just want to move on to the next one. Try something different. Y’know what I mean? Try to fuck as many different ones as I can.
Z: What would you tell someone who wants to start cruising these sites for sex?
H: I think that if you’re gonna do this – be yourself, be honest, and go for what you’re looking for, don’t settle for less. I mean, if you can work whatever girl you want, just enjoy yourself, have good clean fun and then just take it for what it’s worth. Y’know? Don’t go psycho on her. Don’t disrespect her… because we’re all human beings. Just have fun with it.