How much do you know about Nature’s round mounds of wonder?
Here’s an alphabetical appreciation of the brilliance of Nature we call breasts.
1. Annette Funicellos
According to Research … Nipples Are Like a Clitoris on Each Breast
You know it and I know it, scientists love sex. Recent studies discovered nipple stimulation activates the same sensory cortex areas of the brain as clitoral and vaginal stimulation. Apparently, nipples are wired to the same part of the brain as the genitals. Which means they exist for pleasure as much as for parenting.
This helps explain why, for a majority of women, nipple stimulation leads to far greater arousal; and for a small percentage of women, they’re able to reach full orgasms from nipple stimulation alone.
Any enjoyable time a partner caresses, fondles, or tongue-tickles a woman’s nipples, she experiences a flush of oxytocin rush through her brain. It’s the “bonding” chemical you’ve no doubt heard mentioned. Thanks to oxytocin, not only does nipple stimulation encourage orgasms, it also increases feelings of attachment to a partner. Nipples are magical little love buttons.
2. Bikini Stuffers
Bet You Cash Money Your Left Breast is Bigger
A constant source of adolescent anxiety seems to be the question – Is one of my breasts bigger/smaller than the other?
Short answer – Yes.
Long answer – It doesn’t matter.
For the vast majority of women one breast is up to a half cup bigger/smaller than the other.
60% of the time the larger boob is the left breast.
3. Casaba Melons
Cars Are Older Tech Than Bras
There were similar designs in ancient times, but the bra, as we know it, turns 100 in 2014.
The word “brassiere” was first used in Vogue magazine in 1907.
But it wasn’t until 1914 that Mary Phelps-Jacob patented the first design for a bra. Her model was a pair of handkerchiefs sewn together with baby ribbons. And boom-chica-boom, a bra was born.
In the ‘20s, Ida Rosenthal and her husband, William, invented the modern sizing system of cups used for their Maidenform bras.
Then in 1948, Frederick Mellinger, the famous name behind Frederick’s of Hollywood, gave the world the push-up bra. And with that stroke of brilliance, breasts found their moment in the spotlight and never looked back.
4. Du Monde Au Balcon
Don’t Worry About Breastfeeding …But Cigarettes Will Make Your Breasts Saggy
Far too many women forgo breastfeeding afraid it might damage the girls. Science is here to help. Studies show breastfeeding doesn’t cause boobs to sag.
However, University of Kentucky researchers found smoking certainly does. It’s due to how smoking degrades elastin, a protein that helps give breasts their lift.
Obviously, gravity drags down on everything. Every breast eventually heads south for the equator. Go ahead and blame gravity, smoking and the relentless march of time, but boobs don’t sag because of a baby.
5. Empress and the Queen
Each and Every Breast is Badass
The primary product of breasts, other than aesthetic and sexual pleasure, is breast milk.
Did you know proteins in breast milk can kick the ass of HIV and Conjunctivitis?
It’s called Tenascin-C, which looks/sounds so much like Tenacious D that the first time I read it I laughed out loud for most of the rest of the article. I’m silly. But this protein, Tenascin-C, or TNC, is no joke.
Researchers at Duke Human Vaccine Institute found that Tenascin-C, a central component of the “extra-cellular matrix,” plays a critical function in wound healing and cell/tissue repair. Exactly what critical function it plays, remains a mystery.
Like so much of the science on breast milk, you’ll find not enough is known about how TNC works exactly. Clearly, it’s a field in need of funding. So far, this much is known, TNC has antiviral properties and germ-fighting capabilities. It’s also shown to have an HIV-inhibiting effect.
Research suggests this explains why breastfeeding babies born to HIV-infected mothers often do not become infected. It seems, TNC, this rather unknown protein in breast milk, somehow kicks HIV’s ass and protects the babies.
On a more anecdotal level of science, there are all sorts of reports of mothers squirting breast milk in the eyes of their children infected with conjunctivitis, aka, Pink Eye. Usually, after two days, the infection cleared up.
All around the world breast milk has been reported used in healing ointments, rubs, salves and poultices for wounds.
Mother’s milk, ‘nuff said
6. Fun Bags
Follicularly Speaking, Lots of Women Have Nipple Hair
Hair patterns are rather consistent all over a person’s body. For some populations, known to be a bit more hirsute, this means nipple hair is rather common.
Some women tweeze, some trim, some laser, and some don’t give two fucks and leave ‘em.
The nipple hair is the same color as pubic hair or natural head hair color. And apparently, nipple hair is more common than uncommon.
7. God’s Greatest Creation
Genetics Suggest Breasts Developed For Babies …and For Sexual Partners
“I got one for each of ya!”
Breasts are beautiful to look at. Large, medium and small. Of course, a guy would say that. But I think we all agree. Some of their appeal has nothing to do with breastfeeding. Apparently, breasts developed for twin functions.
Mammary glands developed to feed infants by transmitting valuable proteins, hormones and brain-building fats. But the fatty tissue that gives breasts their shape, it does not affect milk production.
All those lovely curves and shadows, those eye-pleasing arcs of flesh are meant to be enjoyed visually. It’s Nature stoking us with more beauty.
One theory suggests as we began to walk upright we needed new sexual signals besides engorged genitals and swollen buttocks. Breasts swelled in response.
Another theory suggests a woman’s breasts signaled her age and fertility and functioned as an advertisement of her ability to produce a healthy child. Always an important investment with limited resources.
No matter what the reasoning, Evolution wired our brains around the idea of breasts, turning breasts into a great source of pleasure for everyone involved.
For example, straight adolescent boys, as they mature sexually, grow attracted to breasts. This we all know. When such an adolescent finally finds himself alone with a girl, one who’s willing to get naked with him, when he nibbles, nuzzles and caresses the girl’s breasts, not only does that dude feel a rush of good feelings, the girl also and equally experiences sexual pleasure, but on top of that, she has that aforementioned crazy hit of oxytocin, which subtly uses the power of neurochemicals to make her feel more bonded to her partner. Genius!
8. Hakuna Ma-ta-tas
How Big Do You Think the Average Boob Is?
The statistically average breast, in America, is a 36 C.
An average breast weighs 1.1 lbs and contains 4-5% of the body’s total fat.
The most popular bra size in the UK is a 36D.
More than 50% of British women purchase D cup bras.
Italians have the smallest average breasts in Europe. They average a B cup.
Around the globe, B is the most common cup size.
9. Idaho Entertainment Center
In Spite of What Most Folks Guess, Bigger Isn’t Always Better When It Comes to Breasts
A study pairing Malaysian and English breast researchers (why does that sound like a joke?) showed 361 men a series of full-body photos of naked women. They asked the men to rate the women on their attractiveness.
Women with large breasts weren’t rated the highest. Not at all.
Top scores went to women with medium-sized breasts.
As with many things, there seems to be a Bell curve of taste. And the middle of the curve of appeal falls right in line with the average size. It’s basically a lot like pop music.
10. Jiggle Machines
Job #1: Breastfeeding … It’s Also Nature’s Original Weight-Loss Program
People say, “You’re still breast-feeding, that’s so generous.” Generous, no! It gives me boobs and it takes my thighs away! It’s sort of like natural liposuction. I’d carry on breast-feeding for the rest of my life if I could. – Helena Bonham Carter
According to available data, creating a day’s worth of breast milk burns/uses an average of 500 calories/day.
The milk produced contains nutrients pulled from the mother’s blood and bodily stores of fat and minerals such as calcium.
A mix of sugar, fat, protein and water, breast milk’s composition constantly changes depending on the nursing baby’s needs.
In a way, you could say, breast milk builds baby while it shrinks mommy. A little tit for tat, so to speak.
King Kong of Boobs — the Guinness World’s Record for Biggest Breasts…
…belongs to Annie Hawkins’-Turner.
Each breast weighs 56 pounds – for a total of 112 pounds of boobs (yes, I did that math myself).
Wrapping a tape measure around her chest, over her nipples you’d come up with 70 inches as your measurement. That’s nearly six feet around in circumference.
And that’s 3 ½ feet of boobs coming at you!
Her bra size? 102 ZZZ
(I wonder if homeless people could use her old bras as shelter from the rain.)
12. Love Balloons
Low Self-Esteem Often Pushes Women to Get Breast Implants (That Are, Not Always, But Often, a Silicone Cry For Help)
Canadians researchers did a study on the suicide rate of women with breast implants.
They found women with implants had a 73% higher rate of suicide.
It was a 15-year study conducted at Laval University in Quebec. The results were published in the American Journal of Epidemiology. They concluded that women with low-self esteem, suffering from body dysmorphic disorder (BDD) were likely to get implants as well. Additionally, they were likely to suffer from depression.
In a related study, conducted at the Children’s Hospital in Philadelphia, researchers found that people with BDD, “typically do not benefit from cosmetic procedures.”
More than new boobs, some women clearly need help dealing with suffering related to a persistent mental condition that is darkening their days. (And I don’t mean patriarchy) They need help handling their depression.
Unfortunately, breast implants are far cheaper, and more readily available than local mental health outreach.
13. Mahatma Oh-My-Gandhis
Medical Reports Indicate Breast Implants Are Still the Most Popular Plastic Surgery
In America, 2 million women are sporting fakies.
Ahead of liposuction, rhinoplasty and tummy tucks, breast implants remain the top cosmetic surgery procedure, year in and year out.
90% of women who elect to get implants have already had children.
The average age of a woman when she gets her first implants is 34.
Nipples Are Classified Into 4 Types
You would think they could come up with a better scale and not rely on any clumsy and insensitive notion of “normal.” That’s where we’re at still in medicine. So, you know, I have to use the terminology. My apologies.
Normal: these are nipples that, in a resting state, resemble a pencil eraser, slightly protruding. During periods of arousal or perhaps due to temperature changes, they might grow more prominent.
Flat: Like tiny pancakes of flesh, flat nipples lay against the breast just how it sounds. Like normal nipples, flat nipples grow and become prominent due to temperature changes or arousal.
Inverted: Softly folding in on themselves, inverted nipples are the opposite of normal nipples. Breastfeeding and cosmetic surgery can both draw out the nipple. As well, some folks use sex toys such as nipple clamps to raise the nipple from within its folds of flesh.
Puffy: Lastly, are the nipples that exhibit multiple levels of protrusion, and feature the areola always raised from the breast.
Statistics suggest between 28 – 35% of women have nipples that lay flat and don’t protrude.
And specifically, 10% have nipples that are labeled “inverted.”
To make sense of that math, to provide some perspective, I can say, I don’t think I’ve ever heard a single straight guy or lesbian gal I’ve known ever complain about their partner’s nipples. Ever. That’s a lot of nipples. I’m just sayin’.
And the “normal” tag is scientific laziness. In this case, it’s bullshit.
15. Oprah and Gayle
Organic Human Breast Milk Is Sold Online… Naturally, It’s Super-Expensive …
(And People Without Babies Also Buy It)
Of course, you can buy breast milk online. Perhaps you need some milk because you’re suffering from sore nipples, maybe you’re traveling and baby isn’t, or maybe you’re unable to breastfeed for any number of reasons.
You can find a wet nurse online and buy some of her breast milk. You may even like all the super cute-marketing relying on such saccharine sweet terms that indicate a mother’s breast milk is “fresh and fatty.”
And yes, of course, there are women who sell breast milk to men who clearly have no baby to feed. But, this is free market breast milk, baby! Name your price.
On websites like OnlyTheBreast.com, the prices average $1.50 an ounce.
From just a cursory scan of price trends, one quickly surmises that 99 cents is the what you’d call the “discount price.”
While $2 dollars/ounce seems to be the “premium price.”
A statistically average baby drinks 30 ounces of breast milk every day.
$60 bucks a day in breast milk? The stuff is an expensive habit.
You can purchase organic breast milk fresh-frozen by a young nursing mother (a Jewish mother, if you need to keep kosher) and have it shipped to you overnight. For obvious reasons, it’s a fast-growing market.
But think about it this way, at $2.00/ounce breast milk is worth more than the dirty ass oil Exxon’s furiously pumping.
A barrel of oil holds 5376 fluid ounces.
The price for a barrel of oil yesterday was: $96.60 (WTI crude oil)
That means an ounce of crude oil costs .0179 cents.
That’s a number so small it’s between one and two pennies.
Basically, crude oil costs a little less than two cents an ounce.
Breast milk costs two dollars/ounce. You do the math.
Clearly, breast milk is way more valuable, both for today and for building tomorrow.
16. Pride and Joy
Perchlorate Is Not a Normal Ingredient Found in Breast Milk
Due to the highly permeable membranous nature of breast tissue, they function like a canary in a coal mine.
Breasts store and aggregate the heavy chemicals a woman ingests from her environment.
One woman, a writer working on an article on breastfeeding, went into a lab to test her breast milk. She was stunned to find what came out of her nipples contained flame retardants, heavy chemicals like dioxin, a common environmental pollutant, and perchlorate, an ingredient necessary to produce flares, fireworks, rocket fuel and explosives.
After further research, the writer, Florence Williams, discovered American women often expressed breast milk with dangerously toxic chemical, and at levels 10 to 100 times higher than women anywhere else in the world. She wrote a tremendous book about what she discovered concerning breasts and dangers to them.
Regulators and researchers, the ones who determine and then test the allowable limits and rate the effects of dangerous chemicals on living things, those protectors of our general health, they don’t usually test the effect of industrial chemicals on mammary glands.
The regulators and researchers, our protectors, don’t seem too concerned with how highly toxic heavy chemicals affect the glands that produce breast milk.
Ain’t that some bullshit?
17. Quebec Face-warmers
Quiet Dirty Secret of the Fashion Industry, A Huge Source of Profit Is Bras/ Lingerie
According to the latest available numbers from 2012, in the United States, lingerie stores (just lingerie stores) sold 11.5 billion dollars worth of bras and lingerie. Eleven-five.
To give you a sense of scale, to find a comparable industry – you could point to guns.
But I guess none of this should surprise you. Sex and violence, right?
Bullets and bras sometimes feel like twin flagships of the American Dream.
18. Rib Cushions
Ridiculous As It May Seem, Breasts Love Weird Stuff Like… Cabbage Leaves?
Once again, due to the fact breast science isn’t a hotbed for funding, no one knows exactly why, but breasts love cabbage leaves. This is especially true of sore, engorged, chafed breasts. If your boobs are aching, try laying some cabbage leaves over the girls and let ‘em take a nap under that soft yet crisp blanket of veggie love. Like putting green beans on a burn, cabbage seems to heal sore boobs. It’s like catnip for your…
19. Sweater Kittens
Science Agrees… All Breasts Are Created Equal
Ready for this? Regardless of size, all breasts produce the same amount of milk.
But when they lacked an adequate and fresh supply, back before there was the internet and you could buy some hipster mama’s fresh-frozen spare milk, nursing mothers often turned to extreme lengths – such as putting their baby on the tit of a goat.
Interestingly though, the breast milk flowed in both directions.
In Japan, women have been known to nurse bear cubs, and puppies.
In South America, women might nurse monkeys, or baby deer.
And in New Guinea, women were known to nurse a piglet.
If science had adequate funding, I think they’d agree with me on this…
Boobs have superpowers!
20. Thelma and Louise
Truth Is… Breast Milk Also Gets Babies High (…maybe)
Not only does breast milk provide sugar, protein, fats, hormones and things like immunoglobulin which helps a newborn develop an immune system; it also contains endocannabinoids, chemicals that are very similar to ones responsible for the psychoactive properties of marijuana.
Researchers suggest endocannabinoids in breast milk have a similar effect. They might be what makes babies so chill after some boob-time.
You’ll notice after a hit of the boob most babies go down for a nap. Apparently, Science is just sayin’. Your baby may be high. And that’s a good thing.
21. Upper Deck
Unusual As It May Sound, You Inherit Your Boobs From Your Mom… or Your Dad
Due to the nature of genetic variation, a woman inherits her breasts from either her mother or her father by way of the genes of his mother. When it comes to boobs, you stand an equal chance of inheriting the shape of breasts from either grandmother.
22. Van Dorens
Variety of Types of Breast Milk Shows Boobs Are Kinda Genius at Their Job
Throughout the course of breastfeeding, a nursing mother’s breasts make different milk for all the baby’s different needs.
In ways science still doesn’t fully understand, interaction between mother and nursing child affects the type of milk a mother’s breast produces.
It’s almost as if the nipples sense something from the baby’s saliva or mouth. But no one knows what the mechanism is.
Nursing mothers will also produce different milk depending on whether the baby is a boy or a girl. Breast milk for boys contains more fat and protein than milk produced for baby girls.
23. Wonder Twins
WTF?! Did You Know Boobs Can Kill A Man!
27-year-old Claire Smedley found her name plastered all over the tabloid headlines after she almost suffocated her boyfriend with her 40LL-sized boobs.
No word on how long her man was stuck buried breathless beneath all her mountains’ majesty, but apparently, the dude fell unconscious after being smothered by her enormous breasts, and yes, while they were having a good ol’ fashioned fuck. Luckily, she acted quickly to save him and the dude lived to tell the tale of nearly being killed by his girlfriend’s pair of 40-Double Ls.
24. X-Ray Vision Eye-Pleasers
X-cuse Me… I Noticed Your Breasts… It Seems You’re Wearing the Wrong Size Bra
My aunt sold bras. My mother was a professional breastfeeding advocate. In case you were wondering why a guy was so into the science of breasts, I’ve absorbed a lot of this just through a sort of educational osmosis.
Like, for instance, I know most women wear the wrong size bra.
Only reason I know that, I’ve seen my aunt point it out, over and over again, to women she knew or just met in a department store. And they always thanked her.
Statistics indicate, as many as 80% of women wear the wrong size bra.
Not only does it make a woman’s boobs look weird, more importantly, the wrong bra can negatively impact your health, causing back pain, indigestion and chronic headaches.
Get your girls somewhere comfortable to chill. Buy ‘em another bra to stand ‘em up for a night out. And get ‘em a soft one that feels like a cozy hammock. And at least one of those rigs with the tight embrace of a sports bra for doing cool shit.
A woman needs bras for all the possible moments and conditions of her life.
And while you’re at it, buy some bras in two sizes. It might help with the monthly size fluctuations. I’m just sayin’.
25. Yabbos (variant: Major League Yabbos)
Your Breasts Make Men Dumber and Live Longer
Leave it to the Germans. A study by Dr. Kathryn Weatherby conducted in Deutschland, asked men to ogle women’s breasts. Researchers found the health benefits to the men were similar to 30-minutes of exercise. …Yes!
Staring at breasts was found to be as healthy for a man’s body as half-an-hour of working out.
The sight of breasts raises the heart rate, which gets blood churning and pumping, thus improving circulation, and reducing the risk of heart attack or stroke by half. That’s a serious health benefit.
I’m telling you, boobs are magic.
The good doctor said staring at boobs can extend a man’s life by 5 years.
Not to worry, I doubt men will start arguing that “staring at tits is good for my health.”
Wanna know why?
Despite the health benefits, staring at breasts also reduced men’s abilities to think clearly. Boobs make it more difficult for men to perform well on cognitive tests.
Basically, breasts make it harder for men to think but helps them live longer. Once again, Evolution really found that all-important sweet spot.
26. Zooey’s Deschanels
Zoo Is the Second Best Sightseeing Opportunity In Brooklyn…
The average American woman owns 9 bras.
And a woman doesn’t have to wear a single one of them whenever she’s in one of the states where it’s within a woman’s legal rights to move through the world totally topless.
These extremely enlightened states are: Hawaii, Ohio, New York and Texas(?).
I assume the only reason it’s legal in Texas has something to do with cheerleaders and college football parties.
But hey, like I said, I think we all agree…
Breasts Are Awesome!