Henry Kissinger won a Nobel Peace Prize. So did President Obama. Last year, they gave one to the European Union. Apparently, they just give those things out to anyone.
If that’s the case, I’d like to formally nominate Julieanne Smolinski for a Nobel Peace Prize. If Kissinger deserves one, I can make a hell of a case for why @BoobsRadley deserves one. You may be thinking- “What? That’s ridiculous!” No, you’re ridiculous! This makes perfect sense. Read on and see why.
1. She’s smarter than MOST of those hacks who’ve won a Nobel Peace Prize (for anything other than Physics, Chemistry or Economics, and she’s smarter than some of them, too!)
I’d love to see one of those other Nobel laureates attempt to successfully analyze dick pics as a modern currency of seduction. Writing for GQ magazine, Smolinski drew upon the love affair of two leading French intellectuals to illustrate the timeless dilemmas of male-female relationships and romance:
Penises are not a valentine! Imagine if, when Simone de Beauvoir wrote, “I’m lacerated everywhere by being far away from you,” Sartre had sent back a snap of his wang. No.”
If that example doesn’t sway you, consider how she advanced this rather perfect metaphor of the implied meaning of a boner:
Half of what women who like penis pictures like is the idea that a guy we are turned on by is turned on by us (what is a boner, in the end, but a compliment made out of meat?). We have to like the guy the penis is attached to. A disembodied penis is not sexy. It is a Troma film.
For more, check out the article here.
2. Nobel Peace Prize winners are selected because they make the world a better place. Well, thanks to the retweets of her 100,000+ followers, @BoobsRadley makes peoples lives better/happier every day on Twitter!
The only other resource responsible for spreading that much happiness and mirth is liquor. And I’m fairly certain there’s no such thing as a @BoobsRadley hangover. (I’m sure she may suffer through a few of her own, but the rest of us never do.) I laugh my ass off at her tweets. I can’t remember the last time she didn’t make me at least grin, if not chuckle.
Mother Teresa won a Nobel Peace Prize in 1979. What a waste! How many people did Mother Teresa make laugh? Laughter is a social lubricant; it defuses the anger and bitterness that plagues our lives. In terms of spreading peace, what’s more powerful than laughter and good cheer? Exactly! Here are just a few highlights from her Twitter feed:
"Their, their." – how to comfort an idiot.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 2, 2013
If I don't text back right away, it's because someone's nicely asked me to put my phone away for 5 seconds, and I'm in jail for biting them.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) January 30, 2013
I think most women have faked an orgasm to "move things along," so I'm not sure why everybody on that conference call was so weirded out.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) May 7, 2013
Talk to your kids about drugs. Talk to your stepdads about jazz. Like, just generally be polite and ask people about their interests.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) June 24, 2013
I think a cooking class is a great way to meet new people whose families are also convinced they'll never find anyone to love them.
— Julieanne Smolinski (@BoobsRadley) July 20, 2013
3. If Aung San Suu Kyi can win a Nobel Peace Prize “for her non-violent struggle for democracy and human rights,” then Smolinski surely could win for her non-violent struggle for human rights (namely the right to enjoy correct hip-hop slang usage).
As reported by Gawker, when Smolinski found an error in New York Times crossword puzzle, she sent an email of correction to the world-famous puzzle-master Will Shortz:
Dear New York Times,
The clue for 28 down reads “Wack, in hip-hop,” and the answer provided is “ILLIN.” These are not the same things, at all!
Not Even a Hip-Hop Expert
In response, Shortz, the dude who constructs the NYT crossword puzzle sent this:
Thanks for your email regarding the crossword clue for ILLIN (“Wack, in hip-hop”).
You didn’t mention what distinction you draw between the two words.
According to the Dictionary of American Slang, edited by Robert L. Chapman, “illin'” means “stupid, insane.” “Wack” is defined as “worthless, stupid.”
The Dictionary of Contemporary Slang, by Tony Thorne, defines “illin'” as “bad, uncool,” and says it is a buzzword in the rap and hip-hop cultures. It seems to me that’s roughly the same as “wack” in the sense of worthless or stupid.
In addition, the online Urban Dictionary (which I don’t usually use, but I’ll cite as an additional source) provides further corroboration for the clue and answer.
So it seems to me the clue is fine.
I appreciate your writing. Keep up the good solving!
Smolinski responded in a decidedly non-violent way, defending hip-hop slang:
Dear Will Shortz,
Thank you for writing back!
In my house we always use “illin'” to describe the act of being “ill” in a positive sense. Although, to be fair, I would have to list my source as “the rapper T.I.” (although I’m fairly certain he is MLA approved).
This is how I would use illin’:
Julieanne: Hello, new best friend Will Shortz, how are you today?
Will Shortz: Illin’.
But I think you definitely have supporting evidence. Although, the guy who wrote that American slang guide died ten years ago at the age of Super Old. Not that that should matter! Good lexicography is good lexicography. (I think that’s also a T.I. rhyme.)
Thanks for the puzzles every week. I love you deeply.
Notice the civility, the lack of name-calling or any other verbal violence.
In order to settle this critical debate, Steven Colbert of The Colbert Report asked Mike D from the Beastie Boys to appear on his show and decide the matter of correct usage. And you know… you know… who he said was right. @BoobsRadley! You’re goddamn right! Here’s the clip from The Colbert Show.
4. Speaking of Steven Colbert, a man who’s universally considered one of the fastest comedic minds working today, if he answered honestly, I think even he’d admit Smolinski is single-handedly funnier than he is on Twitter on a daily basis.
Paraphrasing from some of science lecturer and astrophysicist Neil deGrasse Tyson’s recent tweets, borrowing his stylistic ability to put things in perspective:
If humor was a race, and the starting line was the sun and Pluto was the finish line, Smolinski would be somewhere around Uranus, lapping Colbert for the second time.
No offense to Steven Colbert. I hold that dude in higher regard than almost any other funny person on the planet. But it’s no real competition. He has a team of writers. All @BoobsRadley relies on is a host of insecurities and social anxieties. No contest.
5. In 1989, the Dalai Lama won a Nobel Peace Prize. He’s a man famous for his generous spirit, his warm demeanor and his ability to give a good speech or interview. Well, move over Lama! Smolinski provides smarter and funnier insights than you or your 13 previous incarnations.
If you don’t believe me, watch her provide insights into the rather unexplainable nature of Twitter.
6. Nuclear war is still a very real and ever-present threat. In 2005, Mohammed ElBaradei and the IAEA (International Atomic Energy Agency) won the Nobel Peace Prize for their work to free the world of nuclear war and the threat of the bomb.
Julieanne Smolinski once skillfully handled Wheat Thins in an interview and made the world a safer place to enjoy those crunchy little snack crackers. You may not think these things can be compared. And let’s be honest, they probably shouldn’t be. But ask yourself, what you would rather have, Wheat Thins or thermonuclear war? Exactly! She reminded the world we don’t have nuclear winter… we have Wheat Thins. You’re welcome, world! It’s not always about doom-and-gloom, negativity and acts of prevention. Sometimes, it’s about tasty snack treats and acts of promotion.
7. The Norwegian Nobel Committee really should give Julieanne Smolinski a Peace Prize because… her television recaps for Vulture should’ve won her a Pulitzer Prize (but you know those people have their heads up their asses!). You can correct their mistake, Nobel Committee!!
Starting in October of 2011, Smolinski penned television recaps for Vulture. If you like television and you like to laugh, check out her breakdowns of Jersey Shore and American Horror Story. I’d wager that at least one or two domestic terrorist masterminds, who were right on the edge of enacting their heinous plots, were distracted by the funny shit she wrote. They put down their makings for a dirty bomb, and said to themselves, “You know what? This is some goddamn funny writing. Obviously, the West can’t be all bad!” And for that act of violence prevention, we all owe Smolinski a debt of gratitude. Read her recaps and I bet not only do you laugh out loud a few times, but at no time will you think about committing an act of terrorism. Her work is powerful funny!
8. Much like former Nobel Peace Prize winners, Nelson Mandela*, Bishop Desmond Tutu* and former President Jimmy Carter*, Smolinski hated the atrociously written erotic novel 50 Shades of Grey. And she hated it so well!
I’m not going to condemn Fifty Shades of Grey because it’s fan fiction, even though that may not be my particular cup of Klingon sperm. I’m not even going to condemn it because I’ve seen better storytelling in an evening news segment about a raccoon who got a peanut butter jar stuck on his head in a Wendy’s parking lot. What I do take issue with is that an author is making money off of people who are too technologically illiterate to find GOOD porn out there and are getting stuck with this nonsense instead because it’s the one part of Computers they can’t just ask a nephew about.
You can read the rest here.
(for the record, the * indicates I’m lying, I have no idea what any of their true feelings are about 50 Shades of Grey)
9. Much like Shirin Ebadi, the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize winner, Smolinski seems to be a genuinely nice and caring person concerned with the welfare of others.
Although, I’ve never met either woman, based solely on their work history, where they focus their energy and what I can deduce from interviews, both women are kind-hearted badasses.
The lawyer Shirin Ebadi was Iran’s first female judge. After Khomeini’s revolution in 1979 she was dismissed. Ebadi opened a legal practice and began defending people who were being persecuted by the authorities. In the year 2000 she was imprisoned herself for having criticized her country’s hierocracy. Shirin Ebadi took up the struggle for fundamental human rights and especially the rights of women and children. -from the official Nobel website
Much like Shirin Ebadi, who struggled to bring justice to the disadvantaged, Smolinski offered her brilliant mind to provide aid and assistance to a group of severely disadvantaged people, guys who have no idea how to find a girlfriend or treat women with decency. For MTV’s Guy Code, she offered hilarious dating advice to the lovelorn.
10. I don’t know everyone on planet Earth… but I’d still be willing to bet my genitals and a kidney or two that she’s the most reliably funny person on the planet.
Some folks like to say @RobDelaney is the King of Twitter. That’s cool. He can be the King. But he should know that @BoobsRadley is the Grand Dragon High Exalted Empress of the Seven Kingdoms and all the Known Universe. But, you know, do you Rob Delaney. Do you. (Btw, looking forward to reading your memoir, man!)
Now, back to Julieanne Smolinski. Go ahead and try to find something she’s written, tweeted, or said in public that doesn’t at least give you a chuckle. I’ve spent the last two weeks going over her career and works and over the course of that fortnight, I broke two ribs laughing, ruined three pairs of pants shitting myself in fits of convulsive laughter, and most importantly, I found she engaged my heart and my mind. She made me think and feel. Only Louis CK leverages that sort of insight, intelligence, emotional honesty and undeniable wit with such consistency. And, no offense to him, but Julieanne Smolinski has a sweetness he’s incapable of expressing through his comic persona, which makes her funniest bits and one-liners that much funnier.
And yes, I know she’d never be my girlfriend. I just put that in the title because I’m a romantic. And you know, whatever. On the real, I’m just glad to be on the planet at the same time as her. It’s almost Thanksgiving and @BoobsRadley is what I’m most thankful for. You should be, too! Julieanne Smolinski’s Twitter feed, writing and internet presence are gifts of humor and intelligence to the whole human family.
And those nitwits over in Stockholm and Oslo better get their act together and give her a goddamn Nobel Prize for the service she’s doing spreading her wit, wisdom and genuine warmth. We always give awards out to the wrong people… just this once … get it right!
If you can give a Nobel Peace Prize to President Barack “I-Never-Met-A-Drone-Strike-I-Didn’t-Like” Obama, “for his extraordinary efforts to strengthen international diplomacy and cooperation between peoples,” then you can surely give one to @BoobsRadley for her extraordinary efforts to strengthen stomach muscles with laughter and spread goodwill on the internet. The woman benefits the whole of humanity.
So do it, damnit! Give Julieanne Smolinski a Nobel Peace Prize!