If Your Sex Life Was… A ‘90s Hip-Hop Music Video

I love ‘90s hip-hop. I watch YouTube videos like my computer was a time-machine. And I reference them all the time. The other day, I attempted to explain my sex life to someone, and I said it was just like that old school song “My Name Is D-Nice.” If you don’t know the video, it features one dude with a hi-top fade all by himself, just him a wall and a sickass bassline. Knowing how often I get my wick wet, my friend understood the video was an apt description. As he chuckled at my D-Nice sex life, it dawned on me… you can describe anyone’s sex life with a ‘90s hip-hop music video. So, I went home and did just that. One of these is probably you.

1. Sir Mix-A-Lot “Baby Got Back”

You are a booty-lover. You miss seeing J-Lo on the red carpet. You watch football like it’s a parade of tight butts. Doesn’t matter if you’re a guy or gal, a big butt and a smile is your kryptonite. You love asses the way some folks love Jesus. You can’t get enough of ‘em. Everyone you ever sleep with has more ass than Canada has white people. On more than one occasion, like Nelly, you’ve asked someone if their mama was a reindeer.

2. Skee-Lo “I Wish”

Try as you might, you get no play. And that sucks. What sucks more is how girls/guys always say you’re cute. You’re like a diabetic kid in a candy shop, and everyone just pinches your cheek, they never slap your ass. If only you could trade 365 days of being cute for one long weekend of being sexy-as-fuck. But you know that ain’t happening anytime soon. Oh well. Just like Skee-Lo, if only you had “a rabbit in a hat and a bat and a ’64 Impala.” But you have a hatch-back. Bummer, dude.

3.  Jamiroquai  “Virtual Insanity”

(technically, this isn’t hip-hop but it fits so well… we’ll include it)

You are an online lover. If it weren’t for electricity you’d have no sex life whatsoever. Perhaps you might get laid by a real human being if you ever left your house. But like your man in the furry hat, you have trouble leaving your bedroom. Rather than endure small talk with someone you meet on a dating site, you’d rather stay home and finger your mouse. The last person you had sex with was your hand. Your sex life is entirely virtual… it’s virtually non-existent. And you’ve recently considered buying a sexbot.

4. Digable Planets “Rebirth of Slick (Cool Like Dat)”

You’re jazzy. You’re cool. You imagine you live in black-and-white movies. Anywhere Sinatra would’ve felt comfortable, you feel at home. You date guys with glasses. You prefer women with accents who smoke. You have good sex, but no one would call you wild because before you hit the sheets you like to hit a vaporizer and get mellow. And you own a cat.

5. C + C Music Factory “Gonna Make You Sweat”

Your sex life is both urban and vaguely European. You wear a lot of black. You’re hornier than ten club kids on molly. You meet fuck-buddies on the dance floor like it’s CraigsList Casual Encounters set to an bangin’ EDM beat. And just like C + C Music Factory, or any good ‘90s hip-hop dance track, every weekend you’re up in the club. And for reasons no one understands you think fake prescription glasses make you look smart.

6. Salt-N-Pepa feat. En Vogue “Whatta Man”

All of your ex-girlfriends stay in contact. They tell their husbands and boyfriends you’re just a really good guy. Why do they really keep you as a favorite in their phone? You’ve never been shy about tongue-wrestling a clitoris. You are that rare male, a golden-tongued pussy-pleaser. The chorus of this song is the refrain women hum to themselves whenever you come ‘round. “Whatta man, whatta man, whatta mighty good man.”

7.  2Pac  “I Get Around”

You are a player-for-real. You have no shame. I can’t speak for the numerous people who’ve been bounced out of your bed, but personally, I like your style because sex is best when it’s playful. And you are a player. You just ignore that haters have a different word for you, like slut or man-whore. But you shake off shaming like Jay Z brushes his shoulders off. Besides, the haters don’t get it. There’s only professionals and amateurs. And like you’re an Olympic athlete, the people you sleep with wanna give your ass a gold medal.

8. De La Soul  “Me, Myself and I”

When it comes to sex, you don’t need porn or even a partner to get off. It’s just you, yourself and you. And to be honest, you don’t even masturbate. You’re asexual like work-out guru, Richard Simmons. That’s cool. As long as you don’t dress like him and rock his giant ‘80s jewfro. That look only appeals to out-of-shape Florida retirees, and they have about as much sex as you. Maybe a little more.

9. Puff Daddy “It’s All About The Benjamins”

Long before Kanye made it popular, you were a gold-digger. To paraphrase Stanley Kubrick’s The Killing, you have a dollar sign where other people have a heart. Your attitude is: if they’ve got the money, you’ve got the time. I’m not calling you a pro…fessional. I’m just saying everyone has their price and yours is lowers than most. But hey, whatevs! You can’t help it if Benjamin Franklin makes you horny. For some folks, dead presidents are dead sexy.

10. Kool Keith “Livin’ Astro”

Like the Original Black Elvis… you are a weird fucker. You’re into cosplay, roleplay, sex dungeons and/or leather masks. You like your sex the way Bjork likes her stage costumes, strange as fuck. You once spent three days at work standing up because you couldn’t sit down since your ass was still inflamed from the weekend. You once spent the night in the ER because you needed to get a cock ring cut-off… and the attending doctor recognized you from a swingers club. Your sex life is far more interesting than anyone else you know.

11. Bubba Sparks “Ugly”

You aren’t ugly, you’re just country as fuck. Like, last night you had sex with your best friend’s sister. No big deal, that’s what you do in a small town. And you enjoy sex as much as you love bacon, but you’re not some backward-ass hick stereotype. Not at all. Just like your man Bubba Sparks, when you get romantic, you go skinny-dipping in the lake. Y’all get sweaty in that humid night air, and make love on the grass, under the stars. Afterwards, you go to the Waffle House.

12. Arrested Development  “Tennessee”

Che Guevara is your hero, which means you’re international-minded and super-political. You feel the pain of the world. You are idealistic. Your breath smells like vegan cheese. Luckily, your significant other’s does, too. You both feel sex is a spiritual bond. You really enjoy fucking outdoors. And after great sex, you’ve been known to ask if anyone’s in the mood for a game of “horseshoes!”

13. Method Man feat. Mary J. Blige  “I’ll Be There For You/ All I Need”

You’re loyal and true. You’re there for them and they’re there for you. You’ve had sex with the same person for as long as you can remember. And you like it that way. Regardless, if you’re Meth or Mary, you’re sexually monogamous and you’d “never give your pussy away, you keep it tight, I…” because you want a dog, and some kids and a phat-ass crib. You also like cooking shows and reality tv.

14. Eric B & Rakim  “Don’t Sweat the Technique”

You drive partners wild. You bite and claw and they like it. You live in a world of bathing suit-covered bodies because you know how to lay it down. If Rakim is a street hustler, then you are a sheet hustler. You know your way around a person’s pleasure centers the way bank robbers know how to crack a safe. You’d never admit this but you’ve memorized sections of the Kama Sutra. When it comes to sex, you’re raw, emotional and forceful. Someone has described you to their therapist as insatiable. Like Brian Fontana from Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy, you’d wear a scent called sex panther. But you don’t smell like Bigfoot’s dick. You fuck like it.

 

15. LL Cool J “Doin’ It”

You are a self-diagnosed sex addict. You know more strippers by their first name than you know your neighbors. You might as well get your mail at the strip club. When not under the pelvis of a woman paid to be there, you spend mad hours in the gym. Not to be healthy, but to be sexy. And of course, whenever you’re being sexy (you know, like eating an apple), you lick your lips as often as your man, LL. Also, you have a nickname for your dick, such as, The Man of Steel.

If you didn’t find yourself in this list, don’t fret, there’s plenty of YouTube videos of ‘90s hip-hop to pick from. We barely scratched the surface. ’90s hip-hop is a sexual goldmine. Like, you may be a Naughty By Nature “O.P.P.” kinda person. Or you may be an Ol’ Dirty Bastard “Baby, I Got Your Money” kind of person. If so, I ain’t judging you. As long as no one’s getting hurt, you go on and do you. TC mark

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