Life can be weird in your 20s. No matter what you do, you’re gonna make a bad decision or two. Sometimes, you know it when you’re making it. But you can’t help yourself. Then on other days, it’s like you make four, five, sixteen bad decisions in a row. And that’s how you end up in bed with a 63-year old married woman who lives in an active senior community. …Wait? What? Yeah. This story of multi-generational sexual infidelity will make you pull a funny face.
Hot illicit sex and gun-play between Baby-boomers and Gen Y?
You never really see that coming. (pardon the pun). This strange modern tale of how to fit one generation inside another and achieve pleasure for both can teach us all a few life lessons, and mostly, about how NOT to be a twenty-something.
There are a few handy life lessons like:
It’s best to listen to the man pointing a loaded shotgun at you.
And there’s the variation on that same rule…
ALWAYS listen to any man holding a loaded shotgun if you’re in bed with his wife.
You might think that’s the sort of advice no one really needs to be told. And that’s where you would be wrong. I give you…
Exhibit A: Steven Trevor Chapman of Tucson, Arizona
No one knows if she was one of the sexiest ladies he’d ever seen and he just couldn’t resist her feminine wiles. Maybe, she’s an older lady who’s more irresistible than Raquel Welch. I don’t know. Or maybe she was his first and he just wasn’t thinking right. No one is saying what their sexual connection was. Whatever it was, the perp was willing to risk the wrath of his lover’s 68-year old husband. He was ready to get shot or killed just to taste her silver hair-pie.
(sorry, if you just threw up a little in your mouth, but hey, don’t be ageist, it’s a fact of life, and most of us should feel lucky if we get to spend time with a silver vagina, either, because it’s yours and you made it to old age, congrats; or you’re getting naked with a vagina, and once again you’re winning at the game of life, as far as I’m concerned… and if you’re a gay man spending time with a silver vagina, I only hope it means you’re volunteering somewhere and not living with your mother, but I digress…)
To know what compelled the perp to chase some naked time with a much older man’s wife, we’d have to ask the silver beaver-teaser himself, Steven Trevor Chapman. But we can’t do that. He’s being held in a county lock-up awaiting processing of his case. Here’s the local news coverage:
According to police reports, the incident took place in Saddlebrook, Arizona. It’s an upper-class retirement community of roughly 10,000 active and healthy seniors. (For some reason, I’m picturing lots of those couples from Cialis commercials).
“It was 1 o’clock in the morning. His wife wasn’t in bed with him. He got worried, went out looking, went to the casita which is a house next to the guest house, and there his wife was sleeping with this man…she’s 63-years-old,” said Pinal County Sheriff Paul Babeu.
The gist of the story is simple. The husband, unnamed thus far, found our perp, Steven Trevor Chapman, in bed with his 63-year old wife. The older man used his cane to wake him. Once Steven was awake and cognizant, the husband felt that a shotgun would be a stronger rhetorical tool. When he returned with his double-barrel persuader, he asked Steven what the hell he was doing in bed with his wife. The husband ordered the younger man to get the hell out of his bed. But the priapic perp, Steven, said no.
And that’s a real twenty-something moment right there. I mean, haven’t we all been there? You’re waking up after some good sex, you may not know exactly where you are, and there’s some dude who’s mad you’re asleep in his bed… with his wife. I think right up until the last detail we can all relate. Steven Trevor Chapman just pushed it a little further. Which brings us to another good life lesson:
If you forget there are limits, sometimes a man with a shotgun will remind you.
Now, I totally get that Steven may not been at his best when he woke up. I understand why he told the husband he wouldn’t get out of the man’s bed. I either spring out of bed because I have something to look forward to like surfing, or else, I’m a drowsy bastard and will hit snooze like four times. I get it, Steven. But I don’t think I’d forget where I was sleeping, and more importantly, who I was sleeping with, if her husband was in a bedroom nearby. I just don’t think I’d get that comfortable. Maybe Steven was really tired. Or maybe, the wife wore his ass out. Either way, there’s another life lesson:
You might wanna question your decision-making if you wake up to a shotgun.
Of course, some of this is to be expected when generations collide. They approach problems very differently. They have different measures, separate expectations, divergent responses, and that’s why they’ll react in surprising ways when a line is crossed. Faced with a man in bed with his wife, a Baby Boomer, decided to pull a shotgun, just like he’d seen done in movies and on television for his whole life. It’s what a man would do.
Remember there’s always someone who thinks the answer to their problem is a gun.
In press reports, it’s mentioned that the husband suffers from Parkinson’s. I don’t know if that’s to suggest his hands shake and thus, you know, his aim was questionable, or if that he needed the shotgun to make it a fair fight, or if they’re showing that someone with Parkinson’s can lead a full life. It’s Arizona. I find it’s a sun-baked weird state. To my ears, it sounds like young Steven had a good chance of getting away unscathed by bird-shot if he would’ve acted quickly. I don’t know. I guess the life lesson there would be:
Don’t show up with just your penis to a gunfight.
So, let’s say you’re the one in this sexy scenario. An angry spouse levels a shotgun at you and repeats their demand you get out of the bed with their naked partner. What do you do?
Do you try to talk your way out? Do you toss a throw pillow at the dude and try to hop out the window? Do you wait for him to need to go to the bathroom because of all his medication? How do you trust his shaky trigger finger doesn’t accidentally squeeze and the shotgun ventilates your face? What a scene!
Now, before you extricate yourself from this imaginary sexual quagmire, there’s more. Apparently, this behavior was a pattern with the wife. In transcriptions of the 911 phone call made by the husband:
911 caller: “She’s trying to take care of the guy he’s out of prison and she does that for these people, these people who have mental problems.”
911 operator: “Has this happened before?”
911 caller: “Some version of it, yeah.”
Whoa! Shit just got real. This woman takes in young men recently released from prison, brings them home to her active senior community, presumably to help them transition back to normal life, and then she habitually beds these young men who have, as the husband put it, “mental problems.” She’s a one-woman sexy halfway-house. And that’s another life lesson for you:
Nothing is ever just as it seems on the surface.
Before the cops arrived, Steven apparently exhibited a twenty-something’s typical casual disrespect for authority. In this case, the authority was a shotgun. And the husband, in typical sixty-something style, was not to be disrespected; no matter how much of a cuckold his wife had made him. And he used firepower to enforce his authority. (Which is such a Baby-boomer thing to do.)
But the husband fired and missed his mark. Later on, I think to save face, he called it a warning shot. Regardless, sheriff’s deputies reported the husband was within his rights. He was in his house, he reported the man in bed with his wife not only refused to leave his bed but he got aggressive with the homeowner. To their line of thinking the old man pretty much had to shoot him.
An armed sixty-something is a dangerous creature and society will take their side.
After sheriff’s deputies responded, arriving at the senior community to make sense of this strange scene, this was their assessment:
“Clearly, this young man should have heeded the warnings of the home-owner to leave his residence and to stop sleeping with his wife,” Sheriff Paul Babeu was quoted saying. “The young man is lucky that he only got poked with a cane and hit with a stray pellet from the shotgun.”
Apparently, the law in certain parts of Arizona doesn’t really care if you discharge a firearm in your bedroom, with the intent to shoot someone in the face, as long as you tell the person you’re about to shoot that you plan to shoot them.
This is good information for tourists to know about Arizona, since the Grand Canyon draws so many to the state, the Sheriff basically said, “It’s cool to shoot folks as long as you go about it rather nicely, and make sure they know you’re about to shoot them.” Don’t be like Poor Steven Chapman who learned the hard way:
Some people will shoot you!
Another lesson we’ve been overlooking, some couple’s sex lives collapse but their relationship keeps pushing along. And sometimes these unsatisfied people draw in some outsiders for illicit sex. Whatever! No judgment. You’re all adults. But if this happens to you and you meet someone who has a guest house dedicated to fucking troubled young folks fresh from prison that they’re helping rehabilitate, that’s not casual sex. That’s some predatory shit, and you want no part of it.
Unless you love the kinky thrill that comes from knowing you might get caught, which is very sexy, anytime a person tells you their husband/wife is asleep nearby, like in the same house, this probably isn’t their first time doing this. If you’ve never had sex with a married person, that’s not the best way to do it. Also, that person has a huge advantage on you. Sexually speaking, you’re playing their game and you’ll be running to catch up. And one day you might wake up with a shotgun pointed at you.
The last lesson we might pull from this sad strange tale of sexual woe, and our perp hero, fair Romeo, Steven Trevor Chapman, you’ll notice that whenever the police show up and you’re the one who’s naked, you’re gonna be the one who’s arrested.
Gun beats naked guy every time in the eyes of the law. Just trust me on that one.
And I hope that every twenty-something reading this, focuses on how the power dialectic affected this outcome. The Baby-boomer man who fired the gun goes home. The sexy Gen Y perp goes to jail. But that’s America for you. We support violence more than we like fucking. What can I say? We’re a strange culture.
Hauled away by the authorities, our man, Steven Trevor Chapman, was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct. I guess in Arizona disorderly conduct is code for “fucking someone’s spouse.” And I guess if you think about it that is some disorderly conduct. Often enough sex will fuck everything up. So there you have it, a few life lessons on how NOT to be a twenty-something. And just remember:
When you fuck around with Baby-boomers, watch your ass!