We live in a society thatās always selling sex, pushing it at you in strange places like in advertisements for car insurance. If you watch sports, you know, every other ad seems to be for pecker pills, drugs with silly names thatāll make your dick stiff. And for women it seems every magazine cover promises to teach you the secrets of how to make your man happier in the bedroom⦠or how and why you single women should be friendly with your vibrator. Advertisers and editors and sales-force teams all seem to love sex more than the Marquis de Sade.
The thing is⦠theyāre not wrong. Sex is awesome. Itās so powerful itāll make you buy shit you donāt need. Thatās why theyāre using it against you. Using it to scare you. They want you to believe youāre doing it all wrong, youāre not doing it enough, everyoneās doing it but you. Theyāre fucking with you when they sell sex.
Consequently, we remain strangely uncomfortable with sex. Itās all over pop culture, yet we have weird attitudes about it. Girlfriends chat about it. Dudes brag about it. But we never really talk about it in any substantive way. And Americans are less mature about sex than most every other country in the world. Weāre afraid of it. And I think the reason is, we love sex, but weāre intimidated by orgasms.
Men in America only recently learned how to find a clitoris or the G-spot. Even in the 90s most American men werenāt yet on a first-name basis with the clitoris. They donāt like to say the word in mixed company. It sounds like a challenge. And from what I hear, foreplay is something straight men perform begrudgingly and usually without much imagination. Which makes me curious about how much foreplay is expected in gay male sex.
Sadly, American women are plagued with psychological barriers to enjoying orgasms. Numerous studies show that around 15% of women have never experienced an orgasm and nearly 50% experience infrequent orgasms. Doctors will point out how 99% of women are physically capable of orgasms but they become psychologically incapable. Women often experience anxiety about sex, especially receiving oral sex. It seems like most women have self-conscious fears about the moist and fragrant world beneath their beltline.
For the record, any guy who gets to put his face in your special space⦠heās lucky! If some dude makes you feel bad about your vagina then heās an asshole. Or heās immature and intimidated by anything with any sense of mystery and earthiness. So get rid of him and find someone who will eat you out like you have a five-star restaurant between your thighs.
The real question is: Why are we all so sexually uncomfortable — why do we act like adolescents who want sex but are equally afraid of it?
You canāt entirely blame your parents because I doubt they talked with you much about sex. And they probably donāt know much either. The one to blame has to be our culture in general. If itās our shared culture that makes us so hung-up on sex⦠then we need to change our culture.
I have a simple plan. We focus on orgasms and weāll work our way out from there.
We need to talk about what we like. What we donāt like. What we know. Ask questions about what we donāt know. We donāt need to be āgrossed outā by any aspect of sex. When Iāve told women I was sleeping with that Iām not afraid of period blood and we could still have sex, and that Iād just change the sheets and we could shower together afterwards, the women looked at me with the same shock they might experience if I said I like to eat dogshit dipped in chocolate sauce. I always thought whatās the big deal?
With my last girlfriend, I came up with a cute euphemism so I didnāt have to say the words blood or period, because they made her feel āicky.ā So I said I didnāt care about getting ārusty.ā I knew she wanted to have sex but she didnāt want me to be all āgrossed-out.ā Ha! I had to explain, Iād cut myself before. I knew what blood looked like. I knew she had some in her body, too. And I desired her. I wanted to have sex. To me the period blood was no different than saliva or sweat or earwax. Itās a bodily fluid. Big deal. Eventually, she relaxed. And we often had our best sex when we got ārustyā because she was on her moon.
So⦠letās talk frankly a moment about orgasms. We all have them. We all like them. Even people without genitals can experience them. Dead bodies can have them if you tap the right nerve. Babies in utero have been seen masturbating, or doing what clearly appears to be masturbation. Weāre hardwired for orgasms. If youāre curious for some solid science on orgasms, check out Mary Roachās TED talk ā10 Things You Didnāt Know About Orgasms.ā Itās pretty funny.
Modern science is finding orgasms are great for our health. They make us look ten years younger, feel better physically and psychologically, they stabilize our hormones, they make our hair and skin look healthy, they relieve tension and help you lose weight⦠the list goes on and on.
So⦠I recommend at least an orgasm-a-day. More if you have more time.
Iām sure some of you are thinking āI donāt like societal pressure to have sex.ā And I agree. Donāt let anyone make you feel bad. Iām advocating you feel good⦠so if you prefer, masturbate. Even when you have no partner, make a little time for an orgasm.
Pleasuring yourself is a good habit because it subtly tells you youāre worth it. And you exercise your creativity and imagination. Youāre taking some time for you. Itās like yoga you donāt have to pay or travel for. Not that Iām saying give up yoga for orgasms. Just add an orgasm to your routine. And apparently for women, thereās something called āyogasms.ā Look into it. Something about Kegel exercises and Downward Dog.
As for you asexual people who may not like my full-throated song of appreciation for all things orgasmic, I donāt want to make you feel bad or excluded. I understand you donāt feel sexual stimulation plays an important part in your life. And I get where youāre coming from⦠well, kinda. Iāve read a bunch of your online forums to understand your worldview. As you can probably tell sex and orgasms are pretty important to me and have been for as long as I can remember.
A little background⦠when I was six and went to an afterschool program, I used to pretend I was injured. Almost daily. And I did it because one of the women who watched us had enormous breasts. I loved to press my head against her chest, and the truth is, Iād cop a feel. I knew that sheād never suspect a 6-year-old of having sexual thoughts and my cute innocent face could hide my interest in her breasts. I knew if I squeezed her boobs, to her, it was harmless because I was a kid. I know⦠itās embarrassing. A 6-year-old cuddle-molesting a grown woman. Itās so backwards I donāt even know what to think.
My point is, for those of you who are asexual, I totally donāt get how you live that way. But I respect you and where youāre coming from. And I would never recommend you do something you donāt want to or donāt feel comfortable doing, so if you want to live without a daily orgasm. I get it. And thatās the last weāll speak of it.
For the rest of you, do yourself a favor and make sure you get off at least once a day. Trust me, itās good for you. If you need a little help, or perhaps some inspiration, check out beautifulagony.com.
Itās a website entirely dedicated to the faces of orgasms. Itās guys and girls. Itās totally tasteful. No nudity. Just the face of a person as they masturbate or are pleasured into reaching an orgasm. Itās⦠pretty awesome.
An orgasm-a-day!
ā¦Thatās all I ask. Youāre doing it for you⦠and for me⦠and for our whole society.
If we start by making sure we each have an orgasm-a-day, we subtly tell ourselves we have value. We deserve it. We donāt need to buy anything to make ourselves feel good and worthwhile. We just pleasure ourselves. And then, if we value and pleasure ourselves, maybe over time we can shift our valuing-and-pleasuring to others. And thatāll lead to better sex. And then from better sex, we can enjoy better relationships and communication. And with better communication we can talk more openly and frankly about the world we share. And by doing that we can value our world, and seek pleasure in our world, and make sure others do the same. You see where Iām going with this.
One by one, your orgasms will help build a better future.
So do it for you⦠for me⦠for all of us.
Now go pleasure yourself!