1. DON’T HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX.
Especially with people who keep trying to convince you to when you’ve already said no. Beware of such lines as “I can’t stay hard when I wear a condom”, “It feels better without one” and of course, “I can’t get pregnant”. This means they have tried and probably succeeded in fucking several other cunts without a rubber. Which means you are sticking your dick into a lucky dip of venereal disease, or into a crazy bitch who wants a baby. Yes, most diseases are treatable, but the worst ones are not: children and herpes. Note: Herpes will stay with you longer than your children will.
2. GET AN EDUCATION.
College isn’t for everyone. There are a million ways to keep learning. Do an apprenticeship, do an internship, work your way up in a job, teach yourself a skill, ignore the first piece of advice and have a child (that’s got to be one hell of a learning curve), live on the streets, move to another country, hang out with people that are smart or interesting or fucked up. Take every opportunity to learn and try to avoid swinging from one meaningless mediocre job to the next. Not only do I hate myself for being responsible for shredding ridiculous amounts of unnecessary paper, I have also been in the workforce for nearly 8 years and am still exactly where I fucking started. Unless the job swinging shit is what keeps you happy (and all power to you) and you plan on being a part of the real world (that is, the shit 9-5 that most of us are in anyway) just fucking go to university. It is also the only opportunity you will ever get to be an adult and a child at the same time.
3. LEARN ABOUT MONEY.
Do not learn when debt collectors are chasing you because you got a credit card at 18 and didn’t understand what the fuck it was. Money isn’t everything, but try to avoid being 22 and $30,000 in debt (which is roughly what you earn in a year) with nothing to show for it but some pretty clothes and shoes. It is easy to not give a fuck about money when you’re young, but having a shit credit rating can really fuck up the rest of your life. So at the very least learn the basics, or be a boss and learn about investing and shit so you can get ahead and impress bitches.
4. DO WHAT YOU LOVE.
If you’ve always wanted to get married and have a child at 19, who gives a fuck what anyone else thinks. If you want to ‘throw away’ your private school education and move to Indonesia to surf, do it. Mum and Dad will forgive you eventually. If you want to write a book but you’re too dyslexic to even string a sentence together, do it anyway. Even if you try and fail, you’re building character and you’re learning. As clichéd as it sounds, it’s true; you don’t know when your time will be up. Don’t worry about the other shit; do what makes you happy. Life is not short, it is long, but it sure as fuck feels longer if you’re miserable.
Or you know what, fuck it. Ignore everything on this list and find out for yourself. You’re going to do it anyway and it’s a hell of a lot of fun. And what’s life without a few stories.