A Love Letter To My Teenage Self

Unsplash Ermin Celikovic
Unsplash Ermin Celikovic

You’re about to enter a very peculiar patch in your life chronology. Your teenage hood will be soiled by confusion, hurt, love and hormonal rage. The teenage years are a quaking effluvia of new feels that will test the patience you have for yourself and the world.

When you get to high school, shit will get real. You will struggle, lose yourself and betray yourself. You will be depressed, even hate learning some days, your skin will break out with pimples in the most awkward places on your face, the very week you had finally mustered the courage to finally tell your crush how you feel. You will try and you will fail. They will tease you about your smoky eyes or that you’re soft. But keep at it, you’re a king and that’s the first directive encoded in your DNA, to replicate royalty. Your teenage angst will wear you down and you will find solace in books, music & the imaginings of another world. You will like things you’re embarrassed to tell your friends, because they’ll think you weird and uncool. Embrace the uncool fast bruh, it’s okay. Folk resonate with authenticity, so make it easy on yourself and chill out.

Then it gets SO messy when you fall in love the first time. There will be searing perplexity, because it will be a foreign feeling. A foreign that feels good. This love will taint every thought, wet your every word. You will build a shrine to this love and adorn it with every moment spent with your first love. The walls fortified with your devotion & roofed by the meeting of lips. When the heart break storms in, it will destroy your shrine with a burning vengeance, your world will shake, your heart constantly caught in your throat. You will be fine and after a while, you get used to pain. It becomes your muse, your constant companion. An armour you wear with fervent pride. I urge you to free yourself of this mentality, even now at 26, you’re still dealing with it. Stop loving people that will only reinforce your fears of loss & rejection. Unlearn it all. Society is an external construct, that shouldn’t dictate how you live in your world & space.

University will be another f*ck up. But a necessary fuck up. The lectures will be long and dragging, you will struggle because deep down you know that what you’re studying is not aligned with who you are and who you want to be. But every decision you will appreciate later on. The journey of self-discovery is a never-ending one, filled with choices that tell us “Wrong Way”.  Choosing a career path at 18 years old is the biggest sham in the world. An 18 year old is barely in tune with themselves, now they must make such a serious life decision without a clear awareness of their life goals. We should be asked what we DON’T want to do, that’s always easier to figure out.

You will fall in love once again, but this time it will be different. You will try to fight this love, even deny it to some but they will see right through it because it is clayed all over your face. This time love will never leave your heart, you will find pleasure and gratitude in merely being able to love another human being. That will be enough for you, and that will make this love, the love of your life at this point. This will be grown love, where flaws are in the open, perfections are recognised. Yet you will still choose it, for that love will give more to you and your journey that it will snatch from you.

You’re 26 right now & everyday you’re still learning to honour yourself. You have learnt many lessons and continue to do so, but don’t worry it does get better. I’m writing this to you now mainly because I know hard it is for you to love yourself, but I just want to tell you that loving yourself is a lifetime occupation. With time, one just learns to be better at it. It’s one of the many human occupational hazards.

Just remember, always be clear with your intention and the universe will gift to you all that you desire. Stay faithful to yourself, be your own milk and honey in a world of smoke and ashes.TC mark

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