I’m Not Ready To Be ‘Just Friends’

when you don't want to be just friends
Fredrick Kearney Jr.

I’ve given it a lot of thought and I need to stay away for a little while.

As much as I want to so easily fall into just friendship with you, my heart isn’t ready for it.

Memories of us constantly flash through my mind and I about break down in tears every time. My parents divorce is causing me pain; but our situation is what’s causing me the most. I know being next to you will be too hard and tempting for me. I put my soul and my love for you out there on paper and that’s just not what we are anymore. I’m okay with that, but I need to give myself time and space in order to come terms with it fully and get to the point of where I know I can be around you and it won’t hurt. As much as I never thought that I would have to, I need to distance myself from you and from our situation for a little while so that way I can mend my heart back into one.

That’s where I am at right now and I need to be honest with you. Though I have tried to be as strong as I can be through this breakup with you – my heart is weak and needs healing.

Maybe I am losing romantic love to gain self love; I really don’t know.

It’s truly a wondrous process and very romantic in itself, though extremely heartbreaking and challenging.

Life is crazy but it’s beautiful. Like you said, maybe our purpose as humans is to help each other through life’s maze and I appreciate you still being there for me and putting thought and heart into your replies more than I can express. But I need to find my own way right now.

I need to focus on me and filling my glass again. I need to become whole again for myself and not for the sake of any other relationships but the one I have with myself. I can’t lose myself trying to still give and spread my love in an area it is unwanted; all that will render for me is torture and leave my heart beating in glass shards. I don’t understand why all of this change is happening but I know there is always a greater purpose and meaning behind it all, though hard to understand or see in this moment.

You know I love you and I don’t ever want to lose you in my life. I meant every word when I said you are my best friend. But I would be just be torturing myself right now and I realize this. It’s just like pouring salt into a raw wound. It hurts like hell and I just want to rinse it until it doesn’t burn anymore. In this case the water would be unable to soothe the burn, fighting for something it can’t change nor fix. I am learning to accept the pain and find new ways to heal the wound. TC mark

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