Being single for me is usually fun. You can do everything without having to ask someone first. The freedom is so addicting in a way that I don’t mind staying single for a long time. So long that I don’t even remember the last time I got so attached in a relationship. Being single made me an independent person. I don’t know what made me enjoy it when most people are afraid to be alone.
Maybe it’s the fact that hurting myself with the stupid decisions I made is more tolerable than having someone I love and trust hurt me instead.
Don’t get me wrong; because I tried. I tried to commit to these kind of so-called relationships hoping that it can change my mind. But the fact that I have been single for so long meant that I have also learned how to do things on my own and I almost forgot how to share these moments with someone else other than my family and closest friends.
I forgot how inviting someone’s arms are when they want to hug you or how someone’s touch can make your knees lose their strength. I forgot how it feels having someone beside you when the sun and moon are up. Or the feeling of meeting someone’s gaze and think you’re the luckiest girl in the world because right there in front of you is your whole universe.
Staying single for so long made it harder for people to convince you to love and trust again. It’s not that you don’t want to, but because you’re afraid that after all the effort of keeping yourself company and guarded will only be put to waste after being attached to yet another wrong person. If I were the old me, I would have flown towards them without caring for what lies ahead. But this is a different me.
I have never met a strong person with an easy past, and I admit that I sometimes long to fly further. Convincing me to take another chance will not be an easy feat.
Unfortunately, I haven’t met someone yet with enough reasons to make me feel like I don’t have to things on my own. I haven’t met the one with so much consistency and persistence to make me realize that I need him in my life. All I encounter are guys that are only good at the beginning. Guys that only remember you when it’s convenient for them as if you are a five-minute cigarette that they can light up and dispose of anytime. Guys that are so good at leaving and hiding after they’ve seen your worst and strongest self. Guys that would only take advantage of how strong you are like you are not a human being capable of feeling, too. Guys that think it’s okay to hurt you.
And they expect you to understand when even they didn’t take the time to understand you.
They say all sorts of things to overwhelm you but they never show how it should work. And in the end, they blame you instead. They blame you for being you without trying to know why and how you became who you are.
Suddenly, you are too much. Suddenly, you are the problem itself; and that alone is one enough reason for you to choose how you are today.
Because no matter what you do, you will never be enough for someone who looks for something else.
So now, you wait for the day to come without forcing things to work out. You wait until it happens naturally. You wait patiently for that person who can say and do things for you that no else said or did.
Because you know for yourself that when the timing and the person is right, flying further into the unknown won’t be a problem anymore. Because you will be willing to trust your wings and the wind just to be with that person no matter what may happen in the future.