People see what they want to see. They want to see the good in everyone and let the bad hide in the shadows. Depression is a hidden lifestyle, like a monster under the bed. You fake a smile and push it off as “it’s just nothing” but when your alone is when the monster comes out.
You constantly make excuses why you can’t see the people you love and want to deep down be surrounded by. You say that “your busy” or “you don’t feel good” because you feel the need to always hide your true feelings. You don’t want to be seen at your lowest, who does?
People that have never experienced depression usually give simple solutions to very complex problems. “Just hang out with your friends”, “just tell them how you feel”, “it will all be OK’ are common answers I hear and wish they were as simple as they sound. Sometimes it’s not just that simple, to just go out and be social. I always feel a sense of isolation and want to hide in my room, where its silent, where I don’t have to deal with others asking “what’s wrong” or “are you OK’.
It never matters how much sleep you get. Sometimes I sleep for hours in the middle of the day and when I wake up I just sleep more. Why? Because it’s safe, because I don’t need to face the constant confrontation of the world around me.
Hurting the people I love is my greatest fear. A fear that has come true recently. I have let this hidden lifestyle let me lose focus of what truly matters to me. It has made me an emotional danger to the people I care about. Depression has let me bottle my emotions and lifestyle so they can’t see the true me. The one that sleeps all day, the one that turns away friends and family.
Sometimes it feels as if I am living a second life. One that has no friends, that doesn’t let anybody in and hides beneath the covers of a bed. I live in darkness and shut out the world outside of this hidden lifestyle.
I choose not to tell others because I don’t want to tangle others in the mess in which my life is. So, I cope in ways in which no one can see. I choses to live in darkness, under the sheets away from the outside world.
I don’t know why things are the way they are. Therefore, I choose not to tell others the way I feel. It’s an impossible feeling to describe and to come to terms with.
This hidden lifestyle hides deep in my shadows, hiding behind a fake smile. It hides where it can’t be seen, like the monster under the bed.