IKEA has continuously enabled me to furnish my apartments without having to drop thousands of dollars on a bed, desk, wardrobe, or print of the Eiffel Tower. My girlfriend and I recently moved to NYC without a single piece of furniture and needed to completely furnish our new place, so I returned to my old Swedish pal that has helped me throughout the years.
Once I made it through the timeless void that lies somewhere between two parallels of the multiverse – known to most people as the IKEA store – I excitedly took my new furniture home. However, once I piled the heavy boxes in my living room, reality sunk in – I need to put all of these together.
Throughout the next week, I made my way through each set of instructions. As I went through the marathon of fake wood assemblage, I realized it was similar to that episode of The Twilight Zone where the guy had to relive his execution over and over again because he was in a nightmare he couldn’t wake up from. The furniture was my nightmare of glued together sawdust and each time I started putting one together, I had to relive the same torturous thought process.
It went something like this:
1. This (insert item here) is going to make my apartment look fresher than Snuggle Bear covered in dryer sheets.
2. Those amazing Swedes are furniture geniuses!
3. I should not have lifted this mammoth shit-sized box with my back.
4. I wish I had a box cutter.
5. There aren’t any instructions in here!
6. Oh, there they are.
7. That looks like more screws and little wooden peg thingys than needed for this item.
8. There seem to be more languages on these instructions than real languages.
9. Why are none of these languages telling me how to put this together?
10. Apparently these pictures and the cartoon smiley-man are enough to do the trick.
11. The first step is calling for this piece….oh wait, it’s this piece. Or is it this piece?
12. These little wooden peg thingys are great for latching these two pieces together.
13. Why won’t these two pieces line up correctly?
14. Maybe if I turn the instructions upside-down, I can figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do on this step.
15. That didn’t work. Maybe if I turn myself upside down I can figure out what the hell I’m supposed to do on this step.
16. Yeah, I put these screws in the wrong holes.
17. These screws aren’t coming out.
18. Shit, I’m going to need to order another piece and more screws.
19. Oh good, the screws came out. Now I can put them in the right holes….wait, this is the wrong piece.
20. Fuck these little wooden peg thingys.
21. Hey, it’s starting to look like a (insert item here)!
22. What is this nail/screw hybrid and how is screwing in this bolt/screw hybrid going to latch these two pieces together?
23. Kiss my ass, Allen. Your wrenches are the embarrassment of the Tool family.
24. This is definitely defective.
25. There are that many more steps to go?
26. The instructions call for 40 nails into the back of this. That seems a bit excessive.
27. I’ll just hammer nails into the corners. That should be enough.
28. I wish I had a hammer.
29. I’m paying somebody to put this together for me next time.
30. Those asshole Swedes are laughing at me.
31. Where did I put that allen wrench?
33. That took a lot longer than expected.
34. How is this scratched already?