1. The Airport
Airports are some of the most foot trafficked places in the world. They get thousands of people stopping through every day. Also, airports, especially American airports, are the most monitored public places around. They are stacked with security, cameras, and emergency buttons that can get you help fast for just about anything.
Breaking up with someone in the airport allows for a few things to happen that will make this breakup somewhat easier and most importantly safer.
For instance, if this partner decides to start yelling during the break then security will quickly come and intervene in the situation. Also, if this partner gets loud they will be taken to a holding area giving you enough time to either get on a plane or leave the facility.
If this partner does not get loud and seems reasonably calm then you can give them options such as:
a. Get on a flight home by yourself
b. Leave this building if the airport is in the city or state they live in
c. Figure out another way to get home with the help of the travel help desk (train, bus, boat, et cetera).
Also, airports are all filled with lots of hope and future. Hope that you make your flight, hope that you will make it home or to your vacation spot. And they communicate future by giving you access to travel. Traveling is all about going somewhere or getting back to something, all things in the future tense.
But most importantly, a break up in the airport shows them that there is no hope between you or any future. But they can definitely get home or take a break up vacation by their lonesome, which is both hope and future. Enjoy.
2. The Gym
Exercise is one of the best ways to produce endorphins. Endorphins make you happy. Happy people don’t hurt other people, to quote Elle Woods’ groundbreaking argument. (see: Legally Blonde).
Using the gym as the site for break up allows for you or your ex-partner the opportunity to immediately work on shaving off any relationship weight they may have gained, or work out all of those feelings that sometimes come crashing down after any break up.
Also, it’s a great place if you think the break up has the potential to go bad. People at the gym are at their most aware, especially in the weight room. I feel that when I am at the gym I spend 40% of my time working out and the rest watching others working out. So you will already have an attentive audience once the breakup begins, which may allow some comfort in keeping the drama level on a manageable level.
If things get bad, enlist the nearest muscle head. Those dudes may not be the smartest, but they are big and can act as a human shield. Just keep the commands to one word like a dog and they will do fine, “Block…push…grab…outside!”
3. A Hospital
Call the person you are dating and tell them you want to meet at the hospital, not for anything serious, but just to meet. Pick the nicest hospital in your city, if you have choices, and try to steer clear from Children’s Hospitals. Frame it as just a friendly visit. The randomness of the request will throw your partner off the scent of a potential break-up.
When they show up make sure you are close to a highly public area like the front desk check-in, security, or the ER. When you break the news to them you have a few potentials covered:
a. If you were afraid they were going to hurt themselves then you can get medical help.
b. If their heart literally breaks, then just rush them to the nearest doctor.
c. If this person gets loud they will be shushed by a passing nurse.
Make sure you are not near any operating room or hospital supply closet or area with sharp objects. You want to triage this situation as much as possible, in hopes your now ex-partner doesn’t lash out at you and put you in triage.
4. Whole Foods on Saturday.
Have you been to Whole Foods on a Saturday? Not only do their samples have Costco’s beat a million to one, but they channel their inner alcoholic and have wine, beer, and sake samples that seem to never end. They have the samples lined up in a way that mimics the ways in which one would usually walk through a Whole Foods. So let’s begin with this break-up, step-by-step:
First, start in produce where you will have some nuts or fruit samples, maybe even a cracker. This is where you begin with the, “Babe, we should talk…”
Once you hit up the soup samples you should start the whole “I am not happy” as your partner sips their soup. If you time it right they will subtly burn their tongue, making them not as prone to talk now. Continue on your diatribe.
Once you get to the alcohols, usually by the cheeses, this is when you begin the “I don’t think it will work out” part. If you time this with the first glass of red wine (Advice: don’t choose any whites, red is better because it usually makes one more sleepy.) Once you have had a few samples make sure you hit the sake when your partner begins to ask questions. The sake reps are usually overly willing to talk about why sake is great with everything, and you can take a few shots, while your partner tries to “talk this out” and the rep tells you today’s sale prices.
If your partner is a crier they shouldn’t probably start crying till the dessert section, which is the end of this Whole Foods tour. Let them cry, the housewives who have been on this tour with you will just think your partner is on an Atkins Diet plan and missing the taste of anything with the letter “b” in its name (bread, beer, brownies, et cetera).
The pros to this break up is that not only is it really public and quite safe (because nothing bad can happen in Whole Food), but at the end will have taken this partner on a 4-course date complete with booze.
So damn considerate, I tell you.
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