Thought Catalog

Breaking Up With My Blackberry

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Dear BB,

As I sit here in the airport waiting on my flight to Nashville, I listen to Lauryn Hill’s song “The Ex-Factor” and I reflect on our relationship which has stretched almost 4 years and I have come to the conclusion that “it ain’t working”, to quote Ms. Hill.

You’re getting old and dated, and not so much in a proverbial way, but in a very symbolic Lindsay Lohan post-rehab sort of way that makes me embarrassed to be with you in public. Your keyboard and rolling ball no longer hold their sexy appeal that once entranced me and brought you into my life. Your screen is smudged and your body cracked – I feel that I failed you. I feel that I never got you the right protection or I took you to one to many bars where you were met one too many champagne cocktails and wooden floors.

I used to enjoy walking with you, holding you next to my Venti Americano, staring aimlessly into your vivid screen, showing you off to the world hoping people would notice you and think,” he’s a Blackberry person.” I was a Blackberry person.

You were the perfect wing-person and we had a successful open relationship, you allowed me to get people’s contact information without giving my number, Blackberry Messenger or BBM let me be fake, add a new person, then delete them with hopes of never running into them again. Yet this was a double edged sword, you were a tattle tale – you told my friends I had received their messages and if I had read them yet, not allowing me to ignore people. You kept me too accountable and I resent you for that. I needed space…you didn’t allow that.

Whenever you had something to say, you would blink vigorously with a red light that had me dropping whatever I was doing to see what you wanted. If I didn’t check you immediately, I would get anxious, worried I was missing something important, and upon finally seeing what you needed it was most of the time just another email from Club Monaco telling me of a sale or a work email that I didn’t want to check till the morning.

Oh, and let’s not even go into me turning you on, which took FOREVER! I would wait patiently, watching your loading bar slowly increase, and once you got good and turned on, you had a security check! What did you need to check, we just spent 10 minutes getting you ready, aren’t you ready?!

I can’t do this any more. I have seen what you will look like if I upgrade you, plastic and cheap. It’s time to go, I have found a new love, and his name is iPhone. He treats me nice, lets me touch all over him in public, get’s turned on super fast, keeps secrets better, and he is skinny. There is no flashing when he has to tell me something, he lets me take my own time to check him, use him, and be with him.

I won’t forget you though; you were the very first smartphone I was ever with. I will always appreciate the times at parties when I knew no one and you made me look just a little less like a lonely looser in a corner. I will always appreciate the time you helped me write a paper due for a class my Sophomore year of college, which we wrote 10 minutes before class started, emailed it, and even got an A – you were a life saver.

When I see you around with friends I will ask about you, see how you are doing in your relationships with others, and I will even speak fondly of our time together, but I just can’t anymore.

I’m sorry…it’s over.

Zach TC mark

image – Mr. T In DC

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    • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

      I know how you feel… I dreamt I had a new phone but the new phone was really an old phone – pre-Motorola Razrs. #damn

      • Anonymous

        I actually miss my wee silver Razr and the simple days sometimes.

        • Anonymous

          damn those razor phones were some hot shit back in the day

        • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

          I had a pink one and a black one. I felt so cool opening them up to talk in public and downloading ring tones.  Those were the days..

        • http://www.twitter.com/mexifrida Frida

          I had a pink one and a black one. I felt so cool opening them up to talk in public and downloading ring tones.  Those were the days..

        • Anonymous

          I know right? Ringtones were the best. Someones BB goes off in a Starbucks and the whole line starts digging through their purses and reaching into their pockets until someone finally admits that it is theirs.

    • Poonam

      *BlackBerry

      I HAD TO.

    • Anonymous

      I am considering getting an iPhone as well but fear the “I knew you would cave” comments from the people who already possess iPhones.

      • http://www.facebook.com/people/Jeffrey-Moore/677652869 Jeffrey Moore

        Get one of the bad ass droids just to piss them off.

    • shoebox12

      I’VE BEEN HAVING THIS PERSONAL STRUGGLE FOR TWO WEEKS NOW!!!! i’m taking this as a sign to stop being a little bitch and let go….

      helloooo iphone. thank you.

    • Anonymous

      LOL I’ve had blackberries for years and I fell out of love with it as well. I currently have the torch which sucks balls. It’s time to move on to smaller, better things: iPhones. Maybe Ill just get one too. 

      It’s sad. 

    • Guest

      Looser = loser *

    • coffeeandinternets

      You just wrote the letter I was afraid to write. You said the words I was afraid to say.

      My Blackberry is killing my spirit. What in the actual fuck was I thinking with this roller ball? I could take it out a thousand times and clean it, and it still wouldn’t let me scroll up. I can’t choose options on my phone above the one I am currently using.  Basically, I’m thinking of upgrading to smoke signals.

      • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=1363230138 Michael Koh

        Time to upgrade to the new Bold.

      • Anonymous

        I have had the same blackberry for three years and am an obsessive phone user and have never had a problem with the ball.

      • Anonymous

        I have had the same blackberry for three years and am an obsessive phone user and have never had a problem with the ball.

      • Anonymous

        I have had the same blackberry for three years and am an obsessive phone user and have never had a problem with the ball.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

      I JUST switched from a Tour to an Iphone.  It has made my life better in some ways, but damn if I don’t miss that blinking red light.  I only want to check my phone if I know I have something waiting for me.

    • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles
      • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

        Really? I hated mine – it was what drove me to an iPhone. 

    • http://pulse.yahoo.com/_5WQXSSKAMOU4WCHKCWYMUKKKNU Aladin Sane

      #WHITEPEOPLEPROBLEMS

      • Anonymous

        i know more black people with iPhones than white people. and btw, the author doesn’t look especially caucasian.

        • http://www.oneyearintexas.com Perfect Circles

          White is just short hand for “middle to upper class.”

    • BBM HOSTAGE

      i want to, i really do. but i’m scared of leaving bbm 

      • MP

        I know. I’m going to miss BBM, but more and more of my contacts are leaving by the day.

      • Guest

        you could always use whatsapp!

    • http://ryanmattis.me Ryan Mattis

      LOL This reminds me of an exact post I did about breaking up with my Blackberry. 

      Awesome read! Here’s mine if you’re interested: http://ryanmattis.me/how-to-divorce-a-blackberry/

    • http://www.nosexcity.com NoSexCity

      Made the switch months ago, but I still miss the ease with which I responded to emails when I still had tactile keys. Drunk texting was a lot easier, too.

    • Steveroggenbuck

      shut up c
      we all switched
      pipe down

    • Rhee

      This needs to be edited. #spelling #grammar

    • Sstramag

      I could **never** leave my BlackBerry. I love my blinking red light and BBM and my tactile keyboard. Plus, I’m Canadian so it would feel like a crime against my country to switch to an iPhone.

      And I just don’t get Android.

      • Anonymous

        I love the light too although I hate the emails from professors telling me that they have put my midterm grade on Black Board or BBMs from my little brother telling me that he is stoned.

      • Anonymous

        I love the light too although I hate the emails from professors telling me that they have put my midterm grade on Black Board or BBMs from my little brother telling me that he is stoned.

    • http://danielsoboring.com Dan S.

      Apple: just give us a goddamn LED status light for christ sake!

    • Guest

      Whatsapp allows you to stalk, right down to the specific minute. 

    • Anonymous

      That was my post last year about how we ended it.

      http://kahenya.tumblr.com/post/1081020553/dear-blackberry

      This weekend my Storm 2 gt stolen and I was contemplating a Sony Ericsson Arc, until the guys at Blackberry offered me a Free Torch and I actually got excited again.

      Love hate relationship

    • Nicole.
    • Anonymous

      Move on to Android : )

    • Jolynuk

      What a stupid article.

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