It’s a beautiful day outside, isn’t it? The birds are chirping, the kids are tweeting, and someone somewhere is probably eating a popsicle after a nice love making session. I think you’d agree that it’s a wonderful time of year. The fellas in LFO—or Lyte Funkie Ones to those of us in the know—certainly agree. That’s probably why they wrote Summer Girls, a song that’s very clearly about having sex with a young Larry Bird. I think we need to talk about this. Let’s break it down, starting with the chorus:
New Kids On The Block had a bunch of hits.
Chinese food makes me sick.
And I think it’s fly when girls stop by for the summer, for the summer
I like girls that wear Abercrombie and Fitch,
I’d take her if I had one wish,
But she’s been gone since that summer, since that summer
Now, if I was telling you a story about my day at work, I probably wouldn’t begin it by telling you that I think Inception is a horribly overrated movie. Random facts don’t enhance stories. Yet here we are, starting off with one of the most unfortunate facts in American history and a food preference. Bad technique, guys. More troubling, however, is the predilection for girls who wear Abercrombie. The lead singer of LFO was 25 when he sang this. Now look at this Venn diagram, made from pure science:
I certainly hope that we’re not getting into a story about molestation. Care to elaborate, LFO?
Hip-hop marmalade spic and span,
Met you one summer and it all began,
You’re the best girl that I ever did see,
The great Larry Bird Jersey 33
Oh, thank God. I don’t know what hip-hop marmalade is— I assume it’s the same as rap jelly— but I’m glad that LFO has met a nice Summer Girl:
Now, I know that Larry Bird may not be your first thought when you’re picking out a summer girl, but he should be. Obviously, the man had game and could certainly hit from long range. More importantly, though, he understood the importance of fundamentals. It’s the little intangibles—a crisp bounce pass or a well placed finger—that make a good player/lover a legend. I would gladly sleep with Larry Bird. She’s beautiful.
From here, the song meanders. He calls Shakespeare “Billy” (because apparently they play on the same softball team), he references Family Ties (because young, female Larry Birds are super into that), and basically laments that his summer love left him (Larry probably had to go practice swishing baskets). I would otherwise be concerned that a girl who can be described simply as someone who “love(s) Fun Dip and Cherry Coke” is approximately 6 years old, but again, this song is clearly and explicitly about having sex with Larry Bird.
All in all, “Summer Girls” is generally a bunch of nonsense (and in the case of “bugaloo shrimp and pogo sticks,” a recipe for accidental bulimia). But there is one line that remains completely unjustifiable:
“I like Kevin Bacon, but I hate Footloose”
That isn’t even possible. What? Are you a big fan of The Following? You can’t like something while also hating the best part of that thing. I like boxing, but I hate Muhammad Ali. I like jokes, but I hate laughing. I like sex, but I hate orgasms. SEE HOW DUMB I SOUND? It’s no wonder Larry Bird hit it and quit it, dude. She’s way too good for you.