1. The Seasoned Vet
So this guy came out of the womb playing Madden. He’s been known to draw up crossing routes in his sleep and scheme playbook adjustments on the john. He hasn’t lost a game of Madden since 2006 and he won’t let you forget it as you’re choosing teams (three randoms and pick your favorite, obviously).
In-game with this guy is rough. He’s a whiz on third-down defense, doesn’t throw any risky passes, and never, under any circumstance, asks Madden to call a play. Also he runs the clock out with kneel downs at the end of the game which most find annoying, but is undeniably effective (I definitely don’t do this… Yes I do).
P.S- The seasoned vet probably has the NFL Sunday Ticket package. Or maybe just the RedZone channel but he constantly talks about one day getting the NFL Sunday Ticket package.
2. The Faker
Every serious sports video game player’s worst nightmare. The faker, colloquially known as that-kid-who’s-trying-to-get-in-your-crew, will tell you he’s a huge sports guy. He’ll pull up the fantasy football app on his phone, talk about his vintage Daunte Culpepper jersey, and maybe mention an obscure relief pitcher on the Mets.
“I’ll watch anything from Thursday Night Football to the Olympics Ice Luge,” the faker will say. Because he just loves sports.
Of course the Faker isn’t actually a big sports guy. He couldn’t tell Blake Griffin from Stewie Griffin and he sure as hell can’t execute a proper pick-and-roll in NBA 2K. And you’ll notice this immediately as your 2K game starts when he asks, “what button is to shoot again?” Come on, man.
3. Really Pissed Guy
Really Pissed Guy is probably your roommate Chris (hey, sorry, Chris. Can we still be friends?)
Anyway, Really Pissed Guy is a good dude. He’s always down for a little sports video game action and he takes it seriously, which is nice. But if you start beating his ass in 2K with the Portland Trailblazers and Dame Lillard (who can spit bars, by the way), RPG is not gonna be happy. He’ll say his team isn’t as good as yours, blame a fake Kevin Love for not making every single three-point shot, and even complain about the lighting in the room you’re virtually ballin’ in.
4. The Guy The Seasoned Vet Learned From
The-guy-the-seasoned-vet-learned-from is a legend in sports video game circles. No one knows if he really exists; the only shred of evidence is an old episode of Madden Nation where he may or may not have made a guest appearance.
5. The Kid That Doesn’t Give A Shit And Ruins The Game
There’s always that one kid who thinks sports video games are a joke. Thinks they’re just something to pass the time before nightfall (when it’s socially acceptable to drink in large quantities and text whoever it is you need alcohol to text).
Dude, you’re ruining the game! My buddy Wayne used to throw up Hail Mary’s on every possession in Madden and he thought it was hilarious. Meanwhile I’m sitting there totally mentally unstimulated (is that a real phrase? if not, trademark city).
6. The Trickster
This guy’s got more tricks up his sleeve than Houdini. He loves to mess with the game settings to give himself the optimal chance to win. In a game like MLB The Show, for instance, he creates franchises and trades all the best players to his team.
The Trickster then puts on a home-run clinic and says he’s “just really good” at the game even though you were with him when he changed all the player attributes. What a knucklehead.
7. The Bragger Who Can’t Live Up To Their Bragging
You’ve been planning a Madden game with this guy for months and it just hasn’t happened yet. There’s always some excuse. He had a grocery date with his mom, fell down the stairs and broke all the bones in his controller hand, or maybe had a hot date with an actual human girl.
But he still claims he’s the best at his craft. That is until you finally get a game in and you expose him for the fraud that he is. Also there’s no such thing as a controller hand, I just made that up.
8. Franchise Guy
Franchise Guy YEARNS for the days as a kid you used to sit on the couch, draft a franchise in MLB The Show, and just play a million games till you fell asleep. He tries to relive those glory days by constantly asking you if you want to start up a little franchise.
Hey man, I would love to but I’m in my 20’s now and I got a job and shit. Ain’t got time for nonsense when I get home from work at 6 and the cleaners shuts down at a tight 6:07.
9. Mr. FIFA
We end with Mr. Feef, who is the most diabolical character since Mr. Deeds (was going for a little assonance rhyme there, sue me).
Bro just loves to play his FIFA and live out his dream of kickin’ the ball around on Arsenal or Man U or Tottenham or Man City or Liverpool or Real Madrid or FC Barcelona or, yeah, I don’t know any other European soccer teams, sue me again.
Just wanted to shout out FIFA here because it is a great game and soccer is insanely popular.