Some people think watching movies is all fun and games. You throw on a flick with your crew and melt away the stress. Maybe enjoy a few laughs, get engrossed in a little drama.
I’m here to tell you that there’s a science to watching movies. And that science can be achieved by NOT doing any of the things below. (Also I’m not really an authority on science; I once drank a beaker of some chemical in chem class thinking it was beer).
1. Not Watch The Movie
So my friend Jess had never seen ‘Step Brothers.’ I know, weirdo right? Don’t even know why I’m friends with her, but anyway we throw the movie on and next thing you know, she’s face down in her phone texting without a care in the world.
You gotta be kidding me? I take time out of my important day to have you experience Will Ferrell and that-guy-who’s-always-in-Will-Ferrell-movies act like toddlers and she’s making plans to get dumplings next week (at least that’s what I assume she was doing).
2. Not Laugh At the Funny Parts
I’m not saying everyone needs to have the same sense of humor. But it is pretty awkward when you’re watching a movie that you think is hilarious and your boyfriend/girlfriend/friend from Tinder/less-handsome-but-still-had-a-sweet-bio-friend-from-Tinder can’t appreciate it.
So maybe take a class in social protocol and yuck it up when your friend does. Worst case scenario you guys develop a close friendship based off the false pretense that he or she enjoys the same movies as you. Best case scenario you get married based on a lie.
3. Put Your Bare Feet Up On The Seat In Front Of You At The Movie Theatre While Also Smoking A Cigarette
You may think this is utterly ridiculous and I’m just trying to be funny. But I’m telling you, some lady did this at a movie I was at once. You can trust me, I was there. Also her feet were strangely well-maintained.
4. Talk The Entire Time
Watching movies in groups always presents interesting dilemmas. Are people allowed to talk? If so, what is the appropriate amount of time for conversation before ‘shussing’ becomes socially acceptable? If talking is not allowed, what about low-key chatter?
Listen, I ain’t trying to miss important plot lines or mysterious developments. So you’ve got to hold in your insanely witty remarks. The worst are the types of people who explain why jokes are funny* or talk about what movies the actors have been in.
5. Only Laugh When The Other Person Laughs
I think I said earlier that coordinating laughs is the way to go. But it only works if it’s natural. There’s a fine line between being in sync with someone and laughing only when they laugh in order to seem normal.
One time I was at a movie and I could’ve sworn my buddy was waiting for me to laugh before laughing himself. Not a great look.
6. Laugh So Much That Everyone Else Becomes Uncomfortable
When you’re laughing like a damn hyena in the corner while the rest of the group is just chillin’, that’s a recipe for tension. So maybe you should pay attention. You’re watching a drama and not a comedy, bro. Get it together.
7. Watch An Entire Trilogy On Your Phone At Your Local Bakery
How are you even focused on the movie with the smell of fresh bread in the air? Preposterous.
8. Not Eat An Entire Bucket of Popcorn
Remember it’s a ‘don’t’ list so I’m saying don’t not eat an entire bucket of popcorn. I know, my grammar is fire.
9. Say You Don’t Want Popcorn And Then Eat Half the Bucket And Claim It’s Fine Because There’s Free Refills Even Though That Logic Makes No Sense
So you show up at the theatre and your friend says they don’t want popcorn. Maybe she’s got an allergy, maybe he’s gained some weight, maybe they’re trying to scam you (it’s the latter… or the third one, I don’t know if saying ‘the latter’ in a list of more than two is proper).
Because once the movie starts, they’re crushing just as much popcorn as you are and they’re doing it scot-free. And if you don’t stop ’em, they’ll do it again in the future.
10. Bring A Hand Claw To The Theatre
You’re not trying to scare the kids. Also I’m pretty sure that completely goes against the instructions on the big screen before the previews.