5 Ways To Boost Masculinity and Become A True Alpha Male

Go to the gym? Ride a motorcycle? Sure, those tips may help softly push your inner bitch aside. However, if you want to leave your inner bitch in a permanent vegetative state by repeatedly striking it with a barbed wire 2×4 (Stone Cold Steve Austin style, baby), then read the below:

1. Never follow a woman

Women are traditionally feminine, which is the exact opposite of masculine. This is why every time you see a woman do something you must do the exact opposite. You see a woman speak English? You speak Spanish. Women speak Spanish too? Then you speak Wingdings. It doesn’t matter if a woman saves you from a burning building. You must go back into that building and sit there like a Buddhist monk in ‘63 Saigon. If you die, then you die with your masculinity emblazoned.

2. Become a mentor

It is often said that people learn the most when teaching others. This is why a great way to increase your manliness is to take a younger, less manly person under your wing. The only challenge is finding the right mentee.

Considering you will want a mentee whose brain is still malleable and ripe for influencing, it is important to target the age group of 8-13 years old. You can typically locate this demographic on school playgrounds or at public parks. Once you find a worthy candidate, make sure to get him alone by saying you have boxes of candy or a cute dog he can pet by your car. Then when you are mano a mano, you can proposition him on your “Masculinity 101” mentorship program.

Rinse and repeat until you find the Robin to your Batman, but not the comic book Batman for nerds. I mean the Ben Affleck one.

3. Go to war

There is no purer shot of masculinity than completely dominating another man. Unfortunately, beating a guy in Connect 4 will not achieve that high. Only taking his life will.

Hold your horses. I would never recommend committing homicide. That is morally and ethically reprehensible.

Alternatively, I would recommend signing a government contract, going to boot camp for three months, traveling to a Middle Eastern country with a GDP equivalent to the valuation of Sbarro Pizza, and then taking a guy’s life.

Any subsequent guilt will be quickly washed away by a tidal wave of euphoric alphaness.

4. Cocaine

Use it frequently.

5. Abstinence and Testosterone Injections

Muhammad Ali would refuse to have sex for six weeks prior to a boxing match believing the built-up testosterone would make him more aggressive come fight time. Although Ali was definitively one of the greatest athletes in history, he also had a bad case of Parkinson’s disease which does bring his life decisions into question.

Truth be told, Ali’s six-week rule did not go far enough. He should never have engaged in sexual activity at all.

Yes, I know there are men who practice abstinence their entire lives and they do not seem to be any more masculine as a result. That is because these men, like Ali, are missing the final piece: frequent and medically inadvisable doses of testosterone.

In order to gather the necessary amount of testosterone, you will need to establish back-alley connections at powerlifting gyms, transgender health clinics, and horse racing tracks. This will take a great deal of time, effort, and bribery, but once you have accumulated enough syringes to fill a Sheik’s bathtub, it is time to begin your treatment.

Your prescription regimen should be one, 10 cc injection every thirty minutes in addition to performing Mark Wahlberg’s “Pain & Gain” workout. You will continue this routine for five to six days depending on your height, weight, and genetic predisposition to congestive heart failure.

Once the regimen is complete, your body will be fully transformed into a solid, hairy cube of muscle. Truthfully, you will resemble more of a fuzzy dice hanging from a rear view mirror than a human being. That’s right; no arms, no legs, and no head. Additionally, since your genitals will have been synthesized into the rest of your body, abstinence will no longer be a practice. It will be a biological certainty.

While this seems like a radical method of boosting manliness, it is all for the greater good. You will have achieved peak, male physical form. Enjoy your new life as Machisimo, God of masculinity for eons to come.