Ah, the classic game of “Never Have I Ever.” Whether you’re an uptight prude showing off how little you have lived or a self-destructive rebel who believes every sin you commit somehow makes up for you acting like a douche, this game brings out the best and worst in people. Unfortunately, if you have played more than once, you will find that participants tend to use the same “never have I ever” prompts every game. They always revolve around getting in trouble, being sexually open, or having experiences with drugs and alcohol. While finding out which of your friends have ever skinny-dipped may excite a high school theater kid, it makes me want to line my head up with a ceiling fan. Here are some “never have I ever” prompts to bring your boring old drinking game to the next level.
Instead of saying “never have I ever been arrested,” try “never have I ever put a Quizno’s cashier in a chokehold for refusing to accept my out-of-state coupon and been arrested for second degree assault. Then never have I been sentenced to a year in a minimum-security prison where I had to join a white supremacist gang in order to survive.
Refrain from using the old “never have I ever done any hard drugs” and give a shot to “never have I ever been unknowingly dosed three tabs of acid by my Papa Johns delivery driver. Then never did I experience a resulting ego death which caused me to think my friends spent eight years meticulously crafting a plot to steal my soul.”
Instead of saying “never have I ever cheated or been cheated on,” try “never have I ever spontaneously developed red bumps around my genitals while I was in a long-term relationship. Never did I ask my girlfriend about it and never did she say she had no idea what I was talking about which lead me to throw wild accusations about her and her favorite barista, some guy named Connor. Then never did she threaten to kick me out of the apartment, which caused me to become enraged and break our new $600 TV. Never did I go to my physician to get treated only to find out I got the infection from a Carnival Cruise hot tub.”
Why say “never have I ever gotten into a fight” when you can say “never have I ever been in a crowded night club when a stranger accidentally stepped on my new shoes”? Then never did I bring him to the alleyway and push him over an empty cocktail glass causing him to fall back and hit his head on the metal dumpster. Never did I check to see if he was breathing only to find a large puddle of blood rapidly accumulating under his head. Then never did I look around to see if there were exterior cameras to the club and never did I proceed to wipe down his body for fingerprints using the corner of my jacket sleeve. Then never did I quickly pace away without ever looking up what happened to him.”
Instead of saying “never have I ever had a one-night stand,” try “never have I ever blacked out at a Dave Matthews Band concert and woken up in a water bed where I turned over to find a woman that looked like Kathy Bates with dreadlocks sleeping next to me. Then never did I get up to see a room filled with empty cereal boxes and a life-sized cutout of Billy Ray Cyrus. Never did I collect my clothes and tiptoe out of the house to find I was in the middle of Burnsville, West Virginia missing my cell phone, wallet, and sense of self.”