You ever have those days when you just can’t even? Today was one of those days.
It all started this morning when I took a picture of my Yorkie playing with his toy bone and posted it to Instagram. I expected it to bring in somewhere in the range of 100-150 likes. You know how many it got? 23 likes! What’s even the point of having a dog when nobody likes your cute Instagram pictures of it? My previous post of a French toast breakfast at Cheesecake Factory got 56 likes, for Christ’s sake!
Already at that point I was at a level of 5 out of 10 on the “can’t even” scale and the day had just begun.
Next I went to check my Facebook news feed and saw some nerd from my high school just accepted a job at Apple. I don’t understand how he got the offer before me. I mean, I applied to Apple months ago and I even sent a cover letter describing the time I thought I had pancreatic cancer like Steve Jobs but then I found out the pain was just a result of eating expired feta cheese. It was an emotional roller coaster of a story sure to resonate with any recruiter. The nerd probably got the job because he started an “advanced coding” club at Brown and apparently won some sort of national competition. I didn’t start a student organization during my time at junior college, but I did get a letter of recommendation from my sociology professor. Sure, he was later let go due to several claims of student review fraud and sexual harassment, but there is no way Apple could have known that.
By then I was at a solid 7 out of 10 and the day was far from over.
Around 4 PM I texted my friend to see if she was ready to start season 6 of NCIS: Los Angeles with me. An hour passed and then my friend responded by saying she still had two episodes left in season 5. You have got to be kidding me. We made a plan to finish season 5 by then so we could sync up our watching schedules. She broke that promise, betraying my trust. Now I know how Julius Cesar felt. Et tu, Brute? Et tu?
This brought me to a 9 out of 10 and I had no idea it was about to get a lot worse.
At approximately 8 p.m. I was in the middle of writing a Yelp review of my neighborhood’s new Turkish restaurant in which I was aptly describing my meal as “an impoverished man’s attempt at a poor man’s falafel” when all of a sudden a notification popped up on my screen. It said “lost connection to the internet.” I nearly had an aneurysm. No WiFi? Was I being Punk’d? I’m no immigrant. I am an American citizen and I have inalienable rights. They are the rights to life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness and they were being violated. The Founding Fathers would roll over in their graves if they knew how far our country would fall. My connection did come back after I restarted my laptop but I still had to re-type my entire review!
10 out of 10. I had officially reached 10 out of 10.
God, why have you forsaken me? In all your infinite wisdom, don’t you see that I can’t even?