I’m not the kind of person to like someone longer than a month; I never wanted to be the kind to fall in love now that I’ve broken my own heart more than I should’ve.
I have watched sitcoms where I’ve realized a certain character is the perfect portrayal of who I am – easy to give up, never wanting to risk anything, afraid of commitment.
But as I tightly grip onto the hands of that person I have always described as myself, I never knew I wanted to let go and just hold your hands instead.
By the time I realized I was catching feelings, I decided to carry all of them, for, I was positive I’d lose this fondness in a month or less. “This is nothing”. That’s what I presumed.
Little did I know that even when months had already passed by, I only captured more affection for you.
Every time I see your name appear in my notifications bar, I feel the muscles in my face twitch only to discover I was already smiling. It had me thinking that you were thinking about me all along and that you couldn’t bear the thought of not talking to me.
You became the first person Siri wanted me to talk to.
Facebook Messenger ranked your name first on its ‘Favorites’ list. An application on Twitter claimed you were my Twitter valentine. Our friend emoji on Snapchat was those two little pink hearts. Even when we were seeing each other five times a week we still managed to talk that much on social media.
So if they ever ask me if I like you, I’d say “yes” a million times.
I don’t and will never want you to know I have caught all of these feelings for you. I don’t and will never want to know if there’s ever going to be a chance between us two.
Because of all the things that I’m not aware of, I know that I am not and will never be the girl for you.
I feel all these things for you, but in the right time, I’d be able to slowly let go of them. I’ve realized that I want to hold your hand because I want someone to be there for me when I need them the most, I want someone to be right by my side in all the bright and dark times, I want someone to stay with me until our last dying breaths – I want a friend.
I don’t want you to be my lover because I know if we’ll ever be together there’s a huge chance I’ll leave you.
I want you to be a friend, a best friend, because I don’t want you to ever disappear in my life.