No, not the ones where you’re all xoxo Gossip Girl with and immaturity is periodically questioned. We’re talking about your superiors, those who sit near you but only share a mutual frustration for Excel and Hot Guy Steve from accounting.
This is the pinky lifting of small talk. Manufacture intriguing and dignified HR would approve of. You either sway with awfully vague or determinedly specific. Then drop it off all effortlessly nonchalant.
What you tell your co-workers: “Tried that new Mexican restaurant off the corner of Hipster Street and Up and Coming Avenue.”
What actually happened: You went to Chipotle. That guacamole was god sent though.
What you tell your co-workers: “Went out with a couple of friends”
What actually happened: You were some variant of WGW and exchanged your partial dignity for a rendition of Titanium that was more or less shouting than singing. The night was sprinkled with liberal usage of yolo, overcompensating hashtags on photos in bad lighting and the best drunk food grease can offer. One of your friends entertained with his disappearing act and it ended with Nick and Norah all over the scene.
What you tell your co-workers: “Gave my place a new face-lift.”
What actually happened: You perused through Pinterest and could not believe your blatant lack of style and DIY knack, only to hit up Target to buy a Swiffer, a glue gun, and an aromatherapy candle and called it a day.
What you tell your co-workers: “Went to the gym and worked out”
What actually happened: LOL. Sure.
What you tell your co-workers: “Finally got to reading the Divergent series”
What actually happened: You watched the movie and proceeded to obsess over the soundtrack.
What you tell your co-workers: “Hiked to the top of Overly Instagrammed Trail”
What actually happened: You went to the nearby park, hiked a quarter way through, snapped a good enough through the grind and bought a smoothie.
What you tell your co-workers: “Spent some quality time with family”
What actually happened: You intended to sink into the familiar comforts of home, only to have your dad question your M.I.A love life and your brother refuse to marathon Criminal Minds with you. You are now deeply considering removing the parasite that he is from your Netflix account.
What you tell your co-workers: “Was well rested. Caught up on a bit of sleep”
What actually happened: You slept for 12 hours straight in the delicious absence of an alarm. Woke up to eat, take a dump, browse the internet machine, watch a romcom with disgusting levels of cheese and eventually take a glorious mid-day nap.
Pretty much your weekend was a collection of homebody activities strung together and you have clean laundry and clipped coupons to show for. But you savour your doing nothings. And it’s ok to do nothing. Just not admittedly to those that cut your paycheque and is the sole reason why your sangria is of a higher grade than college.
What you tell your co-workers: “Went to a friend’s wedding”
What actually happened: Ok, so you did go but you left out spending literally weeks stressing over the dress, shoes and plus one. You finally decided on your this-does-not-look-like-H&M dress, your cute but tragically painful heels and screw it, there’s an open bar.
What you tell your co-workers: “Reunited with all my girls from college”
What actually happened: You each had mandatory margaritas and obligatory ski shots. The night started with Heather talking about her latest conquests again and ended with girls swiping for each other. It was all too #basic.
What you tell your co-workers: “Hung out with a new friend”
What actually happened: You met up with someone from Tinder and hoped they didn’t misinterpret your dark sarcastic wit.
What you tell your co-workers: “Went shopping and bought new outfits”
What actually happened: You decided to do it up Macklemore and went thrifting to find a cost-effective Halloween costume that plays on pop culture but also club appropriate. Google also helped.
What you tell your co-workers: “Watched the [insert large scale world event]”
What actually happened: You watched clips on YouTube and read highlights from Mashable. But that’s enough for your Monday water cooler conversation, really.