There is nothing more painful than finding your once happy life being shred into a million tiny pieces, where only the dead of the night can help you find peace and comfort to get your shit together. Minutes turn into hours, days into weeks, but every second still hurts like hell. You decide to forget everything, but there are pictures to remind you of people and memories that you just cannot shake off your mind, and you then find yourself lost again… lost in the thought that you still cannot smile wholeheartedly despite the love you get from everyone around you.
It’s funny how people tell you things to make you feel better. The thing is, you will still feel a void in your heart no matter how much support you get from your family and friends. That void that you are feeling is so deep, and it hurts so much. And then, you will finally become numb not because you are over it, but because you finally got used to the pain.
I know sadness more than I make myself believe I do. I may claim that I am okay, but deep inside I know I am not, and will never be any time soon. The walls or corners may keep me safe from harm now, but I know it can only do so much as to make me sane when I feel like breaking down again.
But today is different. It has to be.
Today, I choose something far more different than what I am used to. I will not wallow in desperation. I will not cry and break down into tears, because I know I have control over myself. Today, I choose joy.
I choose acceptance. These past few days filled my heart with anger, but I am trying to let it all go. I made myself believe in trust only for it to be taken for granted, but I have to accept the truth that I have no control over anybody’s feelings.
I was mad. I was broken. I was lied to. But today, I am no longer the victim. I know I will still wonder about the what-ifs – what if I stayed, what if I listened, or what if I made myself believe in some silly and lame excuses again? But I have long since reconciled over the idea that it is better to wonder than refuse to leave somebody just because you feel that it is still the right thing to do.
I finally learned to accept the fact that nothing is ever going to change him, and I am now teaching myself to accept that it is okay to walk away from someone who can no longer make you feel loved.
I choose joy. Life is too short to be anything but happy. It is really a cliché, isn’t it? But I will not let anybody’s lie hinder my chance to become truly happy. I will sigh and I will smile, I will jump and I will laugh, and most importantly, I will breathe. I will not lock myself up in my room and choke about a love gone wrong because I know doing so will just make my life a mess. I will sing a song of praise because I feel alive now more than I have ever had before. And I will let anyone who dares to listen hear my voice. I may sing off key, but I will sing nevertheless.
And I choose love. The moment I found out about the truth that the person I loved the most lied to me, I became color blind. I felt like the sky lost its vibrant shade of blue, my skin turned pale, and the trees looked dryer than ever. I thought to myself that it was the end, but then a sudden gush of wind pulled me back to my senses. I may be color blind now, but knowing that my heart is still beating gives me the assurance that I am still alive. I probably will not have the love I wanted from someone I once cared for so much, but I know I will find that there is too much love in the world that I just have yet to discover. I am choosing the love from my family, my friends, and even from strangers who will just smile at me for no reason at all. Today, I will love the air, the silence, and I will accept the love from people around me.
I know that when the sun kissed the moon goodbye, the stars began to lose their shine and they disappeared in the emptiness of the sky… slowly, painfully, and their screams were drowned by voices that sang a tune of praise for the sun has finally returned after a deep, long slumber. The sun is back, but the stars have died, and only darkness witnessed how the moon cried for her children’s lives. I may be the moon as of this writing, and the stars are my feelings, but I know that the moon will return once more together with her stars, and I will paint the sky with colors of love and hope. I will shine brighter, and I will live once more.
I know better days are coming. I just have to wait, and while I am at it, I am choosing to be different because that’s what finding happiness is all about.