What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear the word sadomasochism also affectionately known as S&M?
My mind immediately goes to Madonna’s video hot video “Erotica”. I can still hear her purr “erotic, erotic, put your hands all over my body” in my mind. I will never forget seeing Madonna in the black mask wearing a tight black dress looking ready to dominate. Then there were the erotic visuals in the video of people chained up, licking each other, kissing, and other titillating positions. I get aroused just thinking about it.
There tends to be a lot of chatter about S&M, but a lack of real knowledge about it. There are so many myths floating around it can scare people away from it. It’s not just about Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele. Let’s break it down and keep it real.
S&M stands for two words, sadism and masochism, which refers to the receiving of pleasure from consensual sexual acts involving the infliction of pain and/or humiliation. There is a world of pleasure filled opportunities that fall into S&M play. This can include: spanking, whipping, slapping, hickeys, biting, and other sexual activities. The amount of pain required to achieve sexual arousal between individuals who participate in S&M varies from mild to severe pain with some even getting off on being mutilated.
The term sadomasochism comes from a combo of two sex driven aristocrat writers, Marquis de Sade and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch.
Most people have heard of the French writer Marquis de Sade, due to his reputation of being a libertine who took his writing to intense sexual levels. His books covered various forms of sexuality, you name it and he wrote about it. His work was centered on sadist behavior (inflicting pain) where normally the sex was non consensual in most cases. His works include Justine, Juliette, and 120 Days of Sodomy. De Sade spent about 32 years of his life in insane asylums for his scandalous writing, numerous sexual assaults, and poisoning several women with the Spanish fly right before he had anal sex with them. To this day de Sade is one of world’s most famous misogynistic pornographers.
Leopold Sacher-Masoch was a Baron who wrote the book Venus in Furs which was the game changer for S&M. The book is what is known to have established the concept of mistress and slave dynamics. It is said that during his childhood, Sacher-Masoch heard stories of cruelty from his wet nurse and father which lead him to begin his fantasies of dominating women. In 1886 the psychiatrist and sexologist, Richard Freiherr von Krafft-Ebing, coined the term “masochism” in his book Psychopathia Sexualis. Before Sacher-Masoch’s death in an asylum, masochism was already included in medical dictionary as a psychosexual disorder which a person derives pleasure by having his/her sexual partner inflict physical or emotional pain.
Now you have a little more information about what S&M is, now what? Admitting that you would like to incorporate S&M into your pleasures sessions does not make you a freak or mean that you have a disorder. It is more common than people think, with one in five couples trying it out, there is also one in twenty couples taking S&M all the way in their play. Most partners will welcome the addition of S&M, especially if you have been doing the same ‘ole things in the boudoir.
A few years ago in a study conducted by the Archives of Sexual Behavior Journal, found that couples who engage in S&M play such as spanking, bondage, and other fetish fantasies ended up feeling closer to each other. What better reason for a good tie me up or tie me down session?
Some people want to use S&M to unleash their sexual fantasies which is exciting and thrilling, but remember that adding the element of pain requires putting safety in place. You will want to establish a safe word with your partner(s) so that you can push yourself with your play but still feel comfortable to be able to enjoy pleasure at the highest level.
Now that you are ready willing and able to add S&M to your sex life here are a few ways to get off the kinky rockstar in you, get your S&M on:
- Watch “9 ½ Weeks”, “Secretary”, and or “Last Tango in Paris”, three films that are sure to turn you on.
- Read Marquis de Sade’s Juliette and Leopold von Sacher-Masoch’s Venus in Furs, put these books in your erotic book collection
- Go to an S&M club with your lover or go solo, the clubs allow you to go as far as your comfort zone will allow including being voyeuristic. Stay in your comfort zone or let yourself go. Note that only women tend to be able to go solo, men have to have a women with him
- Check out S&M inspired movies by director Andrew Blake, who makes delicious erotic/porn art movies.