Just So You Know, You’re Toxic Too

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Ludwig Oskarsson / Unsplash

My dysfunctionality is mine, there’s a lot of it, a repetitive cycle of things I am not aware of, a cycle that is so pure and toxic, one that will not stop gravitating in your life until you decide that it no longer has space in your life. Due to the dysfunctionality that is me, I come in between myself and the things that I want to do and the people that are worthy of being part of me. Cycles and patterns we’ve grown accustomed to, aspects of ourselves that deep down need changing, but we don’t know how to begin to change them.

It took me 5 years of being with myself and investing in therapy to realize how broken this way of thinking is and how it will destroy you and anything you are trying to build, not only within your life, but with someone worthy of being part of your life. A couple of times failing myself, a couple of times allowing myself to be part of something that I did not need to be part of, a couple too many times is too many times.

Due to this blockage in our way of thinking, we allow individuals that are seasonal, to be more than just that. The cycle that we have constructed in our head has become a delusional world, one that is attractive to the mind and heart. We perceive the person that we are choosing to take a chance on, as better than, someone that is so worthy of being in our life, a person that is rich and authentic, when in reality it’s just not for us. We give “red flag” individuals an opportunity to present their authentic self, they do, the cycling part of our brains, the one that has constructed all of this toxic way of thinking, cannot detect red flags. The perception you had of an individual changes through conversations, arguments, and disagreements. Due to the continuous re-occurrence of this cycle, like baby steps, you begin to piece all of the things together, realizing that things aren’t what you painted them to be.

What was once a magical, romantic and place, becomes an unsafe place to be a part of, especially a place to try to love someone in, a place where love doesn’t blossom, where arguments never end. Someone that has claimed to love you, selflessly and unconditionally has present you with their false self. The person that never truly loved you, and the person that you never truly loved, triggered you to continuing your cycle all over again. You didn’t love them because you loved who they truly presented themselves to be, you can’t love a shadow that you make up in your head. Refusal of loving yourself does not give you more love to give to others, if there’s not enough love to love yourself in the first place, anything that is worthy of loving becomes toxic.

The person that promised you to change, will not change because you are not worthy of seeing that your perception has to change. Your perception must change because perception is equal to being aware that they should have not gone further than the front door, they’re inside your house now. The way in which we remove these toxic leeches from our overall aura, is to discard them, even after they’ve discarded us. Allowing ourselves to let go of what isn’t worth holding onto, allows us the creativity to become creative with the ways in which we cope with what we want to become.

Understanding that a cycle is only a cycle until you decide to change is key in eliminating those individuals from your life and most importantly, allowing yourself the energy to love you more. Patterns and cycle come from somewhere, whether from our upbringings or with a great hole that needs to be filled in our life, allowing you to understand that you are also the problem, if not the only problem, then you will know that you being the problem is not a problem. You cannot change others, they are who they are. Whether or not a person changes it’s up to them but you should refocus your energy is reclaiming your way of thinking and your way of approaching your own toxic behavior. Your upper hand is knowing all of this and making it your business to heal and grow.

The perception you had of an individual changes through conversations, arguments, and disagreements. Not because of an “I’m right you’re wrong” scenerio, but because they are presenting their authentic selves to you.

Will blame you solely for you’re wrong doings, all in whole not acknowledging their wrong doings. A manipulative tactic, one that continues to get worse as long as you stay, as long as you don’t love yourself enough to leave. You try to fix it, try to mendate the wrongs, by doing the rights, but the wrong outweigh everything else. It all ends so abruptly and there you are sitting down, wondering, “what did I do wrong?”

Things become hasty, nasty, and shady. Someone that has claim to love you, selflessly and unconditionally and that has only taken, and not given, continues to take. Reaping from the things you’ve contributed, whether emotional, or materialistically. They refuse to be fair, because they’re so stuck on their, “I’m right, you’re wrong” phase, one that is completely and utterly a bitter one. Due to their inability to let go and let be, they create scenarios in which portrays them as a victim, rather than a person that has caused discomfort in someone’s life. This is how accountability cannot be taken, because our egos are fed by those bias opinions and perceptions.

Your upper hand is to observe but not impulsively react, reacting impulsively will allow their ego to be fed and you will end up in square one. This is a scenario of something you’ve been through, something I’ve been through. This is a way in which we reclaim our time, sanity and life, by not giving the emotional, verbal, physical, manipulative individual to take more than what they already took. TC mark

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