This Is What It Feels Like To Struggle With Your First Broken Heart

No matter how long ago it all happened, it still hurts and distorts me. No, I’m not crying anymore, but this feeling is more than the pool of tears on my pillow. It’s this cold breeze inside. Thorns that even now are embedded in me.

Of course I want to feel free again. I want to feel whole once more. I want to stroll around — free from melancholy caused by our memories together in that place, that date, that food, and that time.

I don’t want to suddenly close my lips after a loud laugh, for I have been reminded that it was him who always made me love myself even through my ugly, distressing days.

This is me still feeling his presence, however instead of a smile, crippling pain is all there is.

Sometimes I ask myself, “What have I done to make him fall in love with me, and the next day fall out of love and walk away?”

I know I have been weak. I have been too weak and preoccupied with my own troubles to let him know that I am still there.

He’s my first love, and so I doubted this love, for I do not know how these kind of relationships work.

I asked him every single day to tell me the reason why he loved me. He answered that he doesn’t know, he just does.

As much as I want to ask him the reason for leaving, I can’t, because I know that this time he won’t even bother looking me in the eye and speaking the truth.

Yes, it is terribly painful to be left out in the dark. To have to traverse this line of the unknown by yourself. But you have to. You must. And you will.

There will always be questions with no answer. Promises with no guarantee. Trust that will eventually be trashed.

But everything has its meaning. Everything is planned and allowed.

He definitely taught me wisdom beyond books can give. Though I’ve been hurt and am still feeling that sorrow, I don’t regret loving him, for how could I ever regret someone who helped me create this woman now capable of fighting?

I don’t regret loving the man who once held my hands but eventually left me on this cliff, hanging. He taught me to save myself — to fight for myself — to have faith in myself.

I don’t regret the path I chose for loving him, for now I’ve learned how to stand firm no matter how weak I feel and broken as I may be.